What is with television announcers lately? For some reason, they think it is required that they completely side with everything the winning team is doing, and publicly ridicule everything the losing team is doing. The best part is when a team starts to come from behind, they completely alter their comments and act as if nothing ever happened and they didn't just call Indianapolis the worst team ever.

CBS has two announcers, Dick & Dan. Once you get past the obviously vast amount of thought that went into naming the duo, you realize that these two either:

• Don't know shit about football unless the score board is telling them who the better team is.
• Are so dumb-founded by the cameras that they are unable to form a complete intelligent thought.
• The network has told them to act the way they do.

I know for a fact that Dick Enberg and Dan Dierdorf know football. I have some doubts that Dan is actually able to state his knowledge in a clear and concise manner, but that is another beat. So what is it? An attempt to increase viewers by being "edgy" and mean? I'm not a fan of this shit and I'd like it to stop... now.

11.30.02 -- WEEK 13

Turkey Day! All hail the dead carcass cast upon your table. Now eat from it.

This will be the first "real" sports beat of the season. The rest has just been filler.

Indianapolis has finally pulled their heads from their asses and started to play like a Superbowl contender. Don't count them out yet, there are still 5 games to be played and the playoff spots have not been filled yet.

If there is not yet a quarterback issue in St. Louis, there should be. Kurt Warner, bagging groceries just a few years ago, is now playing like someone who was bagging groceries just a few years ago. Why would the "offensive guru", Mike Martz, pull Bulger for this guy? I don't know, that's why I asked you.

Green Bay, as good as they are, has failed to clinch their playoff spot and division title two weeks in a row. Again I ask, why? Again I answer, I don't know.

On to real business, I have proof that Dave has been cheating. Look at his record for the season and then look at last week. It is obvious that he is trying to throw me off his scent by picking as poorly as I do. I will not be fooled nor should you be. This man is a cunning predator. Ready to pounce on anyone that has the guts to challenge him. I, my friend, have those guts and am not afraid to have them smeared on the wall 2 years in a row.

11.21.02 -- WEEK 12

Captain Formaldehyde says: No word yet from Matt or Dave. I suspect a testosterone-ridden, old-fashioned, stare-down to see who cheats, and who is cheated upon. In the meanwhile, I have roused the Idiot and we have faithfully plodded forth with sensational, fantastical football pickins. Please to enjoy.

In related Sports Beat type news, your Captain has conducted an exhaustive analysis of all this years picks to determine potential strengths and weaknesses of Matt, Dave, The Idiot, and (even) himself. It is all very scientific:

OVERRATED TEAMS:
Dave: Detroit
Captain: St. Louis, Jacksonville
Matt: Indianapolis, N.Y. Jets, Oakland, New England, Carolina
Idiot: Dallas, Chicago

UNDERRATED TEAMS:
Dave: Denver
Captain: New Orleans, San Diego, Tennessee
Matt: Denver
Idiot: Green Bay

If Matt (or Dave for that matter) phones anything in, I shall post it below, forthwith.

Later...

11.14.02 -- WEEK 11

With the short absence of Cocksocket, I was able to spend more time preparing this week's beat. With the additional time, I was able to gather the following information: Dave cheats.

The time off was not enough to get into the details on how he is cheating, but I plan to spend some time on this later in the season.

11.7.02 -- WEEK 10

Rather than piss about last week's picks, I think we should all be happy that the we broke even.

Did anyone else watch that Monday night game? Chris Carter should have stayed in retirement. 3 catches, 1 fumble, 1 interception (it was his fault) and minimal yardage. Dude sucks.

Questions: Do people in Oakland dress like that all the time? Are they always hostile? Do they really hate anyone who is not from Oakland? Answers:
Yes. Yes. Yes. Oakland fans are an odd group and should be permanent fixtures for all primetime games. There is nothing better than a group of fans swearing at the opposition out of pure hatred.

Bengals went and fucked up another perfect season. How many years are they going to taunt us with the possibility of them going 0-16 only to start winning? Don't they understand that there is a tremendous amount of respect given to those that call it quits before it starts? Come on Cincinnati, stop winning. You make us all look bad for picking against you.

11.03.02 -- WEEK 9

Although I am currently in last place of the human race, there is still one that is lesser. The idiot sucks even worse than I do at picking football games. This is of little consolation due to the fact that the idiot is simply that... an idiot.

Yes, betting $100.00 per game using my picks would have netted you a grand total of $1200.00 in profit, but that is not the desired rate of return expected by most career gamblers. I'm sure there are many of you that would like to break my legs and spit in my open wounds, but keep in mind that I too have felt the misfortunes that I have cast upon you, the Cocksocketonian masses.

For I am a simple man, not one to solve complex 'rithmitic problems while mopping up the hallway at the local university. I can barely operate a mop and find the intended purpose of toilet paper too difficult a notion to even make an attempt at cleansing myself.

Stop the babbling and start the gambling for this week, I have picked only the teams that will win and forgone tossing in a few losers to keep you off my scent.

10.26.02 -- WEEK 8

While getting my home network running I was unable to connect to the internet via either of the Windows machines. All is well now except that the proxy server will not let my use my Windows machines for email. This is quite a hindrance seeing as how the proxy server/web server/testing machine that I am writing this on is quite slow. I hope that by next week I will once again be able to email from normal platform and all balance will return to my land

10.24.02 -- WEEK 7

10.10.02 -- WEEK 6

10.05.02 -- WEEK 5

09.29.02 -- WEEK 4

09.21.02 -- WEEK 3

With some quick maneuvering and some help from the insiders, I've locke onto this week's picks not by chance but more of a hypothesis. If I am less than 50% right, the Superbowl can not be predetermined. I am more than 50% right, I already know the Superbowl champs and wish t party with those guys.

As Giambi says: "Play like an All-Star, Party like a Rock-Star, Hammer lik a Porn-Star"! (My new creedo)

09.16.02 -- WEEK 2

09.09.02 -- WEEK 1 (official)

09.05.02 -- SPORTS BEAT SHUFFLE (WEEK 1.0)

Opening night tonight. The 49ers are playing the Giants. Kickoff is upon us, and the picks must be revealed to shield our fragile organisation from potential claims of pick-fixin'.

In short:

Matt: 49ers
Dave: 49ers
Captain: 49ers
Idiot: 49ers

05.18.02 -- MID SUMMER SPORTS BEAT

Mom, are we moving?

It has been reported that the Indianapolis Colts are discussing a move out of Indianapolis.

The highlights I saw had Bill Polian (Colts General Manager) saying that the organization was disappointed that not all of the suites had sold out, and the arena does not have enough suites.

What? How can you not have enough of something that your potential clients don't want?
Why do you need a larger stadium to start winning football games?
How does the size of a stadium have any thing to do with fan turnout, the success of the team, or you decision to stay in Indianapolis?

Apparently, Polian visited the new Texans facility and was enamored by its facilities. The things that are missing from the reports on this are:

When the Colts moved to Indianapolis, citizens were taxed an additional 1% on prepared food purchases to pay for the RCA Dome.
The Dome was paid off several years ago, yet the tax remains.

Last time I checked, Colts' players were paid the average for players in the NFL of equal skill.
We have yet to even smell a Superbowl appearance.

I know where the owner of the Colts lives, he is not in a run-down shack with blankets doubling as curtains.
It is a gated estate on several acres of land and he was recently turned down for a permit to land his personal helicopter in his yard due to neighbor complaints.

If you want to move your team to a "larger market", feel free. We don't really want you here anymore. It is the same shit every few years with you people and all of the former fans are sick of it and you. That is why your suites aren't sold out.
That and the $40,000/year price tag.

What is with television announcers lately? For some reason, they think it is required that they completely side with everything the winning team is doing, and publicly ridicule everything the losing team is doing. The best part is when a team starts to come from behind, they completely alter their comments and act as if nothing ever happened and they didn't just call Indianapolis the worst team ever.

CBS has two announcers, Dick & Dan. Once you get past the obviously vast amount of thought that went into naming the duo, you realize that these two either:

• Don't know shit about football unless the score board is telling them who the better team is.
• Are so dumb-founded by the cameras that they are unable to form a complete intelligent thought.
• The network has told them to act the way they do.

I know for a fact that Dick Enberg and Dan Dierdorf know football. I have some doubts that Dan is actually able to state his knowledge in a clear and concise manner, but that is another beat. So what is it? An attempt to increase viewers by being "edgy" and mean? I'm not a fan of this shit and I'd like it to stop... now.

11.30.02 -- WEEK 13

Turkey Day! All hail the dead carcass cast upon your table. Now eat from it.

This will be the first "real" sports beat of the season. The rest has just been filler.

Indianapolis has finally pulled their heads from their asses and started to play like a Superbowl contender. Don't count them out yet, there are still 5 games to be played and the playoff spots have not been filled yet.

If there is not yet a quarterback issue in St. Louis, there should be. Kurt Warner, bagging groceries just a few years ago, is now playing like someone who was bagging groceries just a few years ago. Why would the "offensive guru", Mike Martz, pull Bulger for this guy? I don't know, that's why I asked you.

Green Bay, as good as they are, has failed to clinch their playoff spot and division title two weeks in a row. Again I ask, why? Again I answer, I don't know.

On to real business, I have proof that Dave has been cheating. Look at his record for the season and then look at last week. It is obvious that he is trying to throw me off his scent by picking as poorly as I do. I will not be fooled nor should you be. This man is a cunning predator. Ready to pounce on anyone that has the guts to challenge him. I, my friend, have those guts and am not afraid to have them smeared on the wall 2 years in a row.

11.21.02 -- WEEK 12

Captain Formaldehyde says: No word yet from Matt or Dave. I suspect a testosterone-ridden, old-fashioned, stare-down to see who cheats, and who is cheated upon. In the meanwhile, I have roused the Idiot and we have faithfully plodded forth with sensational, fantastical football pickins. Please to enjoy.

In related Sports Beat type news, your Captain has conducted an exhaustive analysis of all this years picks to determine potential strengths and weaknesses of Matt, Dave, The Idiot, and (even) himself. It is all very scientific:

OVERRATED TEAMS:
Dave: Detroit
Captain: St. Louis, Jacksonville
Matt: Indianapolis, N.Y. Jets, Oakland, New England, Carolina
Idiot: Dallas, Chicago

UNDERRATED TEAMS:
Dave: Denver
Captain: New Orleans, San Diego, Tennessee
Matt: Denver
Idiot: Green Bay

If Matt (or Dave for that matter) phones anything in, I shall post it below, forthwith.

Later...

11.14.02 -- WEEK 11

With the short absence of Cocksocket, I was able to spend more time preparing this week's beat. With the additional time, I was able to gather the following information: Dave cheats.

The time off was not enough to get into the details on how he is cheating, but I plan to spend some time on this later in the season.

11.7.02 -- WEEK 10

Rather than piss about last week's picks, I think we should all be happy that the we broke even.

Did anyone else watch that Monday night game? Chris Carter should have stayed in retirement. 3 catches, 1 fumble, 1 interception (it was his fault) and minimal yardage. Dude sucks.

Questions: Do people in Oakland dress like that all the time? Are they always hostile? Do they really hate anyone who is not from Oakland? Answers:
Yes. Yes. Yes. Oakland fans are an odd group and should be permanent fixtures for all primetime games. There is nothing better than a group of fans swearing at the opposition out of pure hatred.

Bengals went and fucked up another perfect season. How many years are they going to taunt us with the possibility of them going 0-16 only to start winning? Don't they understand that there is a tremendous amount of respect given to those that call it quits before it starts? Come on Cincinnati, stop winning. You make us all look bad for picking against you.

11.03.02 -- WEEK 9

Although I am currently in last place of the human race, there is still one that is lesser. The idiot sucks even worse than I do at picking football games. This is of little consolation due to the fact that the idiot is simply that... an idiot.

Yes, betting $100.00 per game using my picks would have netted you a grand total of $1200.00 in profit, but that is not the desired rate of return expected by most career gamblers. I'm sure there are many of you that would like to break my legs and spit in my open wounds, but keep in mind that I too have felt the misfortunes that I have cast upon you, the Cocksocketonian masses.

For I am a simple man, not one to solve complex 'rithmitic problems while mopping up the hallway at the local university. I can barely operate a mop and find the intended purpose of toilet paper too difficult a notion to even make an attempt at cleansing myself.

Stop the babbling and start the gambling for this week, I have picked only the teams that will win and forgone tossing in a few losers to keep you off my scent.

10.26.02 -- WEEK 8

While getting my home network running I was unable to connect to the internet via either of the Windows machines. All is well now except that the proxy server will not let my use my Windows machines for email. This is quite a hindrance seeing as how the proxy server/web server/testing machine that I am writing this on is quite slow. I hope that by next week I will once again be able to email from normal platform and all balance will return to my land

10.24.02 -- WEEK 7

10.10.02 -- WEEK 6

10.05.02 -- WEEK 5

09.29.02 -- WEEK 4

09.21.02 -- WEEK 3

With some quick maneuvering and some help from the insiders, I've locke onto this week's picks not by chance but more of a hypothesis. If I am less than 50% right, the Superbowl can not be predetermined. I am more than 50% right, I already know the Superbowl champs and wish t party with those guys.

As Giambi says: "Play like an All-Star, Party like a Rock-Star, Hammer lik a Porn-Star"! (My new creedo)

09.16.02 -- WEEK 2

09.09.02 -- WEEK 1 (official)

09.05.02 -- SPORTS BEAT SHUFFLE (WEEK 1.0)

Opening night tonight. The 49ers are playing the Giants. Kickoff is upon us, and the picks must be revealed to shield our fragile organisation from potential claims of pick-fixin'.

In short:

Matt: 49ers
Dave: 49ers
Captain: 49ers
Idiot: 49ers

05.18.02 -- MID SUMMER SPORTS BEAT

Mom, are we moving?

It has been reported that the Indianapolis Colts are discussing a move out of Indianapolis.

The highlights I saw had Bill Polian (Colts General Manager) saying that the organization was disappointed that not all of the suites had sold out, and the arena does not have enough suites.

What? How can you not have enough of something that your potential clients don't want?
Why do you need a larger stadium to start winning football games?
How does the size of a stadium have any thing to do with fan turnout, the success of the team, or you decision to stay in Indianapolis?

Apparently, Polian visited the new Texans facility and was enamored by its facilities. The things that are missing from the reports on this are:

When the Colts moved to Indianapolis, citizens were taxed an additional 1% on prepared food purchases to pay for the RCA Dome.
The Dome was paid off several years ago, yet the tax remains.

Last time I checked, Colts' players were paid the average for players in the NFL of equal skill.
We have yet to even smell a Superbowl appearance.

I know where the owner of the Colts lives, he is not in a run-down shack with blankets doubling as curtains.
It is a gated estate on several acres of land and he was recently turned down for a permit to land his personal helicopter in his yard due to neighbor complaints.

If you want to move your team to a "larger market", feel free. We don't really want you here anymore. It is the same shit every few years with you people and all of the former fans are sick of it and you. That is why your suites aren't sold out.
That and the $40,000/year price tag.