|
|
|
Home Music Manifesto Messageboard Virtual Matt King Tufu Brewspaper Search Terms Links Feedback Loretta Amazing Crap Project DIVX Matt's Sports Beat The Running Joke Project Spam Clog In Progress Contact |
THE RUNNING JOKE: April - June, 2001 06.30.01 I played through the fourth round in the sound area at k1010 from the King's links. I think that makes me the master sound recognizer, but the throne is not a glorious one. There will be those that think they are the true rulers of sound recognition. I scoff at them as follows; "SCOFF!". I am in the midst of gorillas and they all want a piece of the pie. Although the gorillas are only in a mist, I am wearing my rubbers day and night. I posted my resume, or lack there of, on Dice.com. I am seeking a webmaster position. It could pan out, if all qualified applicants met with an untimely demise or a rabid jellyfish. I am hatching a plan for a global assault on the health and well-being of these so called "masters". I hatch it through deep warming of the eggs and a steady diet of Double-Stuff Oreo's and aged Gummibears. Never before has the world seen an antelope with twelve feet. I have seen such a beast. It told me to wear white during the seasons in which white is frowned upon. The cause of my rash is friction. Friction between elbow and anus. This mixture has evidently proven to be rash causing in lab test and I have proven that hypothesis to be true in everyday life as well. So this poses the following question in your mind, "Does the rash afflict the elbow or the anus?". This query is similar to that of the proverbial "How many licks does it take...?" question. The outcome is quite similar in that my rash also involves a stick and a hard candy shell. A teacher, in a school, somewhere on this spongy sphere we call XJ19, ran an experiment in class to answer the aforementioned question. The answers varied but the outcome suggest that it takes about 300 licks to enter that forbidden core of sugar and nonsense.
It seems I have spoken out of turn. Myself and all those contained within my
largest of toes, are without fault. This allows me to be the only one to
cast a stone into the crowd of humanity and scream, "Syphilis will
undoubtedly afflict all of you! Go now and let the puss fall onto your
enemies. Make your discharges dribble into his cereal milk. But always
remember, your enemy also has Syphilis and may retaliate with an increased
attack forcing you to take pleasure from his discharge against your
wishes.".
06.17.01 Utterly better babble is all a quasi-fictional multi-dimensional being can ask for. Is it really so much to ask? Frankly the legal implications of this particular set of illusions is a bit overwhelming. The monkey has flown up someone's butt in the cybersuck and we can't seem to get him unstuck. Is there really any reason to try? The dusk of our inconsequential muttering is upon us and the monkey-butt laxatives fail to expunge the offending primates of their unholy participation in the attempted usurping of the Ufutus. Do I really need say any more? I think not.
Tufu Ufutu™
06.12.01 I am watching this crappy AFI "top 100 thrilling movie" thing. Sort of a load of shit. They have these actors, directors, daughters of directors, and crack freaks giving commentary in between the movie clips, and frankly I am sick of it. Lucy Liu was just on talking about Silence of the Lambs. I swear to god she was reading from a card. I haven't seen Charlie's angels, but I'm guessing that it sucks balls. Seriously, all she had to do was act interested. Lately I have been feeling a certain measure of shame for the sporadic updates to this page. You know, when I started this thing I promised crazy things like "Amazing Crap", and "Updates almost twice a week", and "Fresh Organica". But whatever. The only people missing out are Loretta and the Canadian dude who has stolen Loretta's #2 spot, and they are good people. The Exorcist is the #3 film on AFI's list. King Tufu has checked in, and Project DIVX has been updated. Jaws is coming at #2. I remember the "TV" version that I watched as a kid. Puritanical times, those were. I am not afraid of a shark. I say "bring it on".
Psycho has clearly taken the prize. AFI is therefore sensible. Smell my bag.
06.02.01 I am nearly a believer. I have rated more than 300 films on netflix, and the recommendations that netflix has returned based on my ratings seem to be pretty good: Eyes Wide Shut
I have already seen The Shining and Summer Of Sam; they were both pretty damn excellent. I have had Pi recommended to me by many friends. The Filthy Critic is pretty hot on Magnolia, and (come on) The Three Stooges have to be a slam dunk, particulaly when the film is subtiled "Sing A Song Of Six Pants". Obviously genius. So, ladies and gentlemen, go there and sign up and rate some shit and get what they tell you to get. It's not bad. It's customized. The moon looks close to full tonight.
05.29.01
I got nothin'. I've been working, buying a house, selling a house, throwing wicked drunken parties, and watching a crap load of movies. It's not like I'm complaining, though. It could be worse. So I like to think of it as a vacation. It is all peripherally, though not materially, creative. I have been updating Tufu and Project DIVX. If anybody's got any good links, or mp3 bands, or quotes, or commentary, or anything else that used to make this such a sensational site, well then, let me know. I'll post it unless it sucks. Failing that, I will continue to hibernate in this hedonistical mystical fog of delight, back in june.
05.18.01 Well, it is Friday and I have let nearly a week pass without watching another DIVX. I got sick, but I didn't stay home from work--which would have been the best strategy for getting through all these damn movies. Who doesn't share Loretta's frustration?
At least her heart is in the right place--in her balls!
I think this weekend is going to be crammed full of shit like the cooking out & general drinking of the beer tonight. The movie tomorrow. The trip to the appliance store on Sunday. Not to mention the crazy bavarian sausage party that is happening tomorrow (did I dream that up? I seem to remember that the hosts have been brewing beer for this special occasion. Can that be?). In addition, I have 3 goddam NETFLIX sitting on the (DIVX-enhanced) DVD player. Alas! What will become of Project DIVX? I don't know. A couple of good days watching 5 or 6 crappy films and I'm right back in it.
05.12.01
Project DIVX is underway. I'll be watching movies and drinking Belgian Ale if you need me.
05.10.01 I just watched this film called "Shadow Hours" or some shit. It was alright. It had the Noxema Girl in it. And this guy called Balthazar. Balthazar Getty. If that is a stage name, then I say "more power to your nads, B'zar". The dude had the letters B-Z-A-R tatooed on his knuckles like O-Z-Z-Y. His character in the movie was called Mike, but you see, Mike had B-Z-A-R tattooed on his knuckles. It was something of a discontinuity, but hey! I say chalk up extra points to this Balthazar guy for 1) picking a crazy stage name like Balthazar and 2) carving it into his hand, even when he knows that, as an actor, he is most unlikely to be playing the role of a man who is named Balthazar. Anyway the movie was a little bit silly. Kind of raw and raunchy, but also kind of smelly and insipid. To wit: the flash intro. Further to wit, copy from the website: What starts as a fairly innocent journey into the seedier side of the city's nightclubs turns into a swift descent into sinful pleasure, decay and debauchery. Michael is pulled in further and further by Stuart who challenges him: "You have to go all the way down or you'll never finish it!" Actually, now that I've had a chance to look through the website, I am kind of embarassed for having watched the movie in the first place. I mean, why do you have to define "media" for me? media \'mE-dE-a\ n a medium of cultivation, conveyance, or expression
Yeah, thanks. You know, media is just the plural form of medium. What is this? Balderdash? And then there's the "links" page, with all the "edgy" links to "edgy places". The first two links are to the EFF and the ACLU. Who are you kidding with this shit? But then again none of us lives in a glass house, so we shouldn't be shooting the first BB or anything like that.
05.07.01 I can't sleep. Again with this crap. It is late on a Sunday night. It is early Monday morning and I am once again trying to get some sleep. Nothing doing. Beer is really all I've got to fight off this pesky alertness. Five hours for a nap is too long, and 4 hours of sleep on Saturday night is too short, and 7 days in a week is one too many or one too few. Here's some of the choice Cocksocket search terms for May. Think of it as a microcosmical version of the eternally delightful, savagely voyeuristic, unfiltered metaspy.
Here is the last review for Chocolate Syrup Panty Hose. This song has had a lengthy garageband run, and has finished with a ranking of 8,830:
So anyway, that's it. Freakin' good night.
05.05.01 I don't know what the fuck. I have spent a lot of time tonight watching disc 2 of the Fight Club set. You know, that is one kick ass film, and it is good to see all the special effects, and commercials, and alternate camera angles and everything. But you have to draw the line somewhere--like around the time you find yourself half naked in the dark listening to some ancient, John-Wayne sound-alike, tired-ass stunt man talking about how he filmed the car crash. Try to stop yourself before you get to that point, because (frankly) you don't need the embarassment or endless teasing. I'm still a little bit irked at my drunk self for remixing the horse song in such sucky fashion. That version on iuma and mp3 is not what I was shooting for. Now when I hear it I just think, "oh, that sounds artsy", so I leave it in place, but if you want the version I've currently got in the car, then come and get it. Cocksocket has had some insightful reviews from the Garageband website lately. Here are some of the comments that have been rolling in from the great unwashed. The song in question is Chocolate Syrup Panty Hose.
Personally, I like the idea of being "way too experimental", and I'm not displeased when producing "crapity craap-crap shit", but I do take offense at the idea that I am the only person that can know my vision. You can know my vision too, and don't be scared off by the challenge. Think of it as an immunity challenge. Speaking of immunity challenges, that show about the survivor in Australia was Crapity craap crap shit--particularly because of that loser in the Helicopter with the votes and the loose nutsack. I started a new song last weekend when I was, well, really drunk. So far it is about nutsackz, watches, crotches, and ancient needle point. That's only 1 verse! I basically stole some drums (ELO say: "Don't Bring Me Down") and made up lyrics on the fly. That will be my basic modus operandi as I try to finish it up in the next couple of weeks. I hereby avow not to work on this song unless I am too drunk to be working on the song. Let's just call it an "experiment" or whatever.
Everything has slowed down around everywhere. Everybody is still trying to sell all the houses, but everything is taken and taking too long--with everybody searching at once for a house in which everybody can party/boogie all night long.
04.24.01 Cocksocket is considering some layout changes to this site, and in the true democratic spirit of the rogue chicken, we are seeking advice from you, the fanatical masses of Cocksocketeers. If there is something that sucks here, or something that is useless, or missing, or essential, let us know. We will take much into consideration, and slowly do things that matter most to the public (or to the public's privates). Loretta, for example, has already instituted the messageboard, voted against it, and then voted it back in. Her keen mind has also conceived and nearly perfected the forthcoming "Ask The Experts" thing. Now is your chance to unite and enhance in a single voice those shortcomings that piss you off most. It was raining today, and when I walked outside, I smelled something akin to body odor. I stopped and sniffed my pits--nothing there but some sweet smelling Mitchum. There was an earthy rain-inspired smell all around me. Sort of like Mother Nature after a championship Volley Ball game. Sweaty like a Mexican brow. Anyway it was weird. I remixed the original version of Some Days You Are The Horse, and in a fit of drunken stupor, uploaded a different version to iuma and mp3. So, you can get the high-quality shit here. And the fruits of my beer's labour here or here. Do listen to it, and feel free freely to provide free-spirited freedback. I heard from Alex yesterday. I assume that he is pretty much just sitting around and thinking up things to do. And then doing them. I haven't been able yet to make it unmistakeably clear that the commentary section here was developed to be his own platform (read: high horse) for proselytization.
I don't remember too well either, but I think he may be referring to this. Whatever. The Pacers are playing in a few minutes, and I don't want to miss the tip-off.
04.18.01 I've decided on a couple of things about the new 'horse' song. First, I am not going to re-record the vocals as I originally thought. There is just something about a first take that can never be replicated--not that the vocals were recorded in a single session, but whatever, sniff it. I have a copy of the song in the car, and by this point I have listened to it so many times that I ultimately confounded my initial, disinterested view. This is something that has historically plagued the Cocksocket. It is the kind of rationalizing that sometimes forces the Cocksocket's work into a pigeon hole called 'Unfinished', or 'Low Fidelity', or something. Not that I feel qualified to speak intelligently on any of this, but I have convinced myself that my decision represents an intentional artistic angle. And so, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the case is closed. I downloaded a 30-day trial version of flash, with which I hope to make a little 'Horse' video for the new number. I only have 25 days left, and I have zero familiarity with this program, so I expect the finished product to be raw & edgy (read: low fidelity & unfinished). If there are any flashmasters among you, feel free to download the song and cook up a nice piece of video pie.
That's really it in the world of Cocksocket. Still trying to sell a house. And buy a house. I've been enjoying the hell out of Netflix. Drinking beer again. Good beer. Reading a little bit. Cocksocket Recommends: Man On The Moon, The Original Kings Of Comedy, Wonder Boys, Me Myself & I, Fast Food Nation, Grolsch, metafilter. Cocksocket Recommends against: Me Myself & Irene, and 1998 Talus Cabernet Sauvignon:
Well, Cheers then. Drink one for Bluey, our recently deceased and freshly buried blue parakeet. I know you never met Blue (and he talked a mean game), but go ahead and tip one for a 19-year-old bird once in a while.
04.13.01
Here's my vacation summation & recommendation for Nags Head, NC. First, there are many reasons to visit Nags Head. You can sun yourself, or go parasailing, or hike up the sand dunes, or rub a pickle on your naked asscrack--the latter activity I do not recommend anyone practice while carrying on a conversation with a stranger in line at the Food Lion. Do what you will, but cocksocket strongly recommends playing a round of golf at the Nags Head Golf Links. Take lunch at the turn, in case the beer cart girl doesn't show. Stay in the Outer Banks at least 4 days, sleep at least 50 hours, and eat at Kelly's at least once. When you emerge from a trip of this sort, you will be smart again. You will also be younger and more attractive than you were before you left. While I was away, I stopped by Stepbrother Matt's place to check on Stephanie, and the boys. The youngest, "Big I", is about a month old now. Anyway, Matt offered me an ice cold Coors Light, and I couldn't refuse. I broke Lent for a taste of the silver bullet (Loretta would be proud). The Karma surrounding that decision can't be sugar coated. Tonight I'm drinking a nice California Cabernet, 1998 Liberty School. This one set me back about 15 bucks, and I let it breathe for an hour before imbibing. The flavor is blank with a high, piercing tone that runs up the mouth like thin layer of bread. This deep and narrow wine is very dry and pointy. It's like a bullet really--the kind of bullet I can recommend. Four bottles on the five-bottle scale.
The Cocksocket messageboard is in jeopardy. Even apart from the fact that it currently consists only of a ridiculous exchange between Loretta and myself, the messageboard may be doomed. We strive to offer interactivity here, but are seldom taken up on any meaningful activity. Case in point: the first new Cocksocket song of the last year is up for criticism, comment, charity, whatever. Yet precious few are downloading this rudimentary advance version. This, people, is interactivity waiting to happen. I am open to incorporating your suggestions into this song's development. In addition, I can provide raw tracks for remixing. I will even touch my own nuts, turn my head, and cough--so to speak. But only if you are interested. At the very least, drop us a line.
04.05.01 Final results from the Men's 2001 NCAA Basketball tournament are in. Check here to find out how cocksocket got cocksocket's ass whooped up on. I got a letter from Loretta...the other day. I opened and read it, it said s/he was a sucker:
In case you didn't notice, Loretta's attitude has become harsh and somewhat bitter. S/he has entered the second stage of acute dystopia, as is made evident in the subsequent missive:
The "fucking thing" to which Loretta refers, is the cocksocket message board, where you, the loyal sockethead, can leave whatever comments come to you. You know, when you are on the stool, or in the stool, or under the stool. Cocksocket has mirrored this site at a little place we like to call metababy. Totally interactive type thing, reminiscent of sketchzilla. Dudes keep changing the site around over there. Usually it's pretty weak shit they throw up, but I did find this one pretty amusing:
Well said, my friend! I myself would like to put something a little more inspired up there, but whatever. It's not like I'm bleeding time up in this mug. I spend a lot of hours at work, you know, spreading precious brainsauce all over the computer keyboard, and pretending like I'm not pretending to pretend. Don't shed a tear for me though. I'm going to the beach this weekend, and I'm staying for some extra days. The newest song is still in the works. It's all sketched out, and ready for your smelly creative juices or aromas. Take a listen and send your thoughts. Title: Some Days You Are The Horse I am drinking this wine called Rabbit Ridge. It is a Cabernet from 1999 and I paid 11 bucks for the bottle. It has a high rubbery nose with leathery unupholstered impact flavor, and a soothing chemical finish. It rates 2 bottles on my 5 bottle scale. That means that, while it is not totally sucky, it is south of average. The cocksocket will resume normal duties again next week. Bake a cake; see you at the lake. |
