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THE RUNNING JOKE: April - June, 2002
05.23.02
Don't forget to join the fun...
05.20.02
Ode on a whiny bitch
My plate is full
So here are some quick updates to maximize your pleasurable enjoyment of this humble offering of Cocksocketonian Delights
Goodbye.
05.14.02
Thanks, kids, for tuning in so early, so often, and ever so vehemently. I have got home around 8:30, five beers later (10:30) my typing skillz are under indictment. I have conducted a moderately detailed analysis of Cocksocket Usage, between February and April, 2002. Here are some results:
Overall
Song (downloads)
Per User
If anybody out there can make any sense out of this, bring it on. I will post it...
05.07.02
I am back from North Carolina. The beach. Nags Head. I like it there, even when it pours the torrential rains of God's own overspray. It was so windy there one time that I could lean fully forward, intending to fall, and the wind held me up for a couple of seconds. O Wind! Mighty wind. Fierce wind. Wind unkind to high irons. Wind of enmity for vanilla balls in the sky. Aaaah!
Also. I ate some shark while I was away.
I bought ridiculously costly golf sticks. They will be shipped to me next week. I got a wicked sunburn on Friday, even in the extreme conditions. Chicks dig me 'cause I gets tan! I finally made my way to the Weeping Radish. It was disappointing because of the beer, but them sausages was damn good! They was the wurst!
Recently, on the J-tag, there have been some rumblings from "Futu", evidently a spokes-entity for the secret clan of the Ufutu. Here is what Futu had to say:
According to a report from the kind Doctor, Tufu has gone missing since sometime in the middle of October, 2001. Since that time, DR R has been handling the TUFU, Inc. beat. To hear the Doc tell it, the King was on some type of incomprehensible vacation on a different, equally incomprehensible plane, making peace with entities unobservable by your typical Cocksocketonian Observer. Whatever. It was so confusing that I essentially overlooked 2 unusual events at the start of this year. First, King Tufu reappeared just long enough to (conveniently) explain his recent whereabouts and (inconveniently) direct a tirade at DR R. Second, within 3 weeks, Gnawbone was a-burnin'.
As I say, all of this seemed natural enough, and (frankly) we here were all just trying to get our heads around the tragedy of it all. Time passed. DR R got his own email address, and an invitation to fill out tournament brackets. But now, there appears to be unease in one slice of the universe or another. Futu is demanding the "release" of a king (King Tufu, we presume). And a cryptic exchange has developed on the new, improved, in-yo'-face, kick-you-in-the-gums messageboard.
04.25.02
It may be mossy and moldy over here, but (lord have mercy) yo' capitan is brewing again. The brewspaper has been drawing my attention, and soon (or maybe in a while) I will be drinking my own beer. Dave has been miraculously helpful in this endeavor, and he is of German origin, so he has some sort of innate, inalienable sense of what good beer is. I follow him like a puppy dog waggling tongue toward the ass of perfect beer. I am not gay. Not that there is anything wrong with that.
I was in the shower this morning and I began tapping my toe, and stomping my brain, and singing an old Robyn Hitchcock song. I wrote him a letter to confirm that I am as cool as he. He will let me know (the jury is out). After I sent off the email, last night around midnight, Storefront Hitchcock came on one of the Showtime channels. Really sort of a strange coincidence. I never thought that I would get a chance to see that film. I have listened to the record a lot. Both are very good.
There is yet another, superior incarnation of the message board waiting for your posts, you know. I mean this stuff is not trivial to create. So go use it. Where are you, King Tufu?
04.15.02
Ahhh! What a sweet vacation have I had. There are many things to recount, and reclassify; so much has happened already in April.
First, the NCAA basketball season, and my principal annual distraction, is finished. While it may be a shame to see it go, it was nevertheless sweet to see the Hoosiers negotiate so brilliantly through the stew.
And then I took some time off work to sit around, and motor around, and bum around; and company came and went, and it was good.
Then, about the time that I got back to working, I also got back to buying games for the XBOX--Triple Play Baseball and (much more distracting) Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 3. I have pretty much made my way through THPS3, but not without countless hours lost to the television and that goddam vibrating controller. And don't even get me started on the "force feedback" controller. What an idiotic contrapcion! I suppose the idea is to make the game more real, or something. But just how am I supposed to feel more engaged with the skating if my goddam controller starts shaking and reeling when I fall off the skateboard, or when I grind a rail, or when some jack-ass knocks me over? It is good on the inverts, though. Makes good sense there.
Then, about the time that I got back to buying games, I got back to buying movies (did I ever really quit?). Now I got a stack of DVDs as tall as my ankle that I have to watch. And it's not all peaches and gravy there either. Some of these movies kind of suck. I haven't even been able to get through the one about Jay and Silent Bob, because it hasn't become any better a movie, no matter how many times I stop it in the middle.
Also, regarding beer, a plan has been hatched wherein Dave and I are going to concoct our own malty, hoppy serum with boiling water and tubes and carboys and stuff. Of course, we have been hatching an ingenious, meticulous plan to initiate the concoctions, and this plan has taken much planning (as planners will do to plans). And here, in the plan to concoct beer, is the first real deadline that I have had in ages: Friday we sanitize; Saturday we brew.
And Sunday there is Golf. And I can pick up the pottery I painted last week, too!
Enough of the apology, now here's some utter remorse for the site being down for 2 days last week. So many of you wrote in with gentle words, it was enough to get me through the tragedy, and I promise one day to repay you all for your heartfelt outpouring of sympathy.
No new music today, but the seeds are cooking in my brain and the oils are starting to warm and sizzle around my littlest bones. Also, don't forget to get your copies of the recent shit today! [[some days you are the horse]] [[(this is) absolute fucking bullshit]] [[delicious screed]].
The new messageboard has been launched! Loretta has created, nurtured, punished, gutted, and recreated it in taciturn fashion. Go there and post some shit!
Finally, it appears that Cocksetonium has been disregarding the missives of Mr. Dr R. Mr. Dr R has been sending links (on behalf of King Tufu) and regular updates regarding the Saga of the Tufu. I have been enjoying these myself while selfishly keeping them from the tired eyes of the tired Cocksocket Masses. My Bad! This will have to do for now:
Links
Tufu In Chains
Damn kids left Tufu in the zip drive again. I look at
the message board and there he is. It's not safe I
tell you. Now I have taken the zip disk and locked it
away in a very dark and remote location. I was
planning on revealing the truth about Bugsy "King"
Tufu's fate but I got busy rootin' for the Hoosiers
and all. It hardly matters now. The little bastard can
do us no harm where he is residing.
Mac is quite handy with a computer. After the
humiliating journey we took in search of the Tufu, Mac
was livid when he read the denial that King Tufu
issued which was really just a bad cover story. Bora
Bora my ass. What do Vince Foster, Frank Nugan, Lee
Harvey Oswald and Bugsy Malone all have in common?
They have all been duped by the almighty King Poo-Poo
and they have all wound up dead under mysterious
circumstances.
Here is a tidbit we uncovered in a search of Tufu's
files. The "King" responded to a radio signal produced
at Long Island on July 4th 1903 by Nikola Tesla. Tesla
was angry because J. P. Morgan had just refused to
fund his research into wireless electrical
transmission and so he went out to has laboratory and
produced one of the most dazzling displays of
electricity ever seen.
Tufu is a bizarre electromagnetic phenomenon and is
capable of crossing many multidimensional properties,
but he/she/it has met his/her/it's match in the form
of the Personal Computer and Mac the Janitor.
It wasn't hard to track him down. Mac posted a
personal ad that read "Cybernetically" equipped human
female bl/br seeks quasifictional multidimensional
entity to download to my floppy drive. Serious
inquiries only." Within minutes of posting Mac had
begun to download and Tufu was saved as (file name
deleted for security purposes).
There is no way to send him back to from where he
came and I don't have the heart to delete him, but I
don't want to end up like the others, involved in
shady liaisons with unsavory characters in politically
unseemly circumstances and then toe tagged. This is
what becomes of those who somehow attract this menace
into their lives by producing patterns of
electromagnetic radiation that suit his existence. I
have already had my home and my cats barbecued by
aliens and I am a fugitive from the law in the most
peculiar arson case in the entire history of Gnawbone.
Since I have had him trapped on the zip disk my food
tastes better, people seem friendlier and the Hoosiers
beat Duke. I think I am going to keep him like that
for a very long time. I have all his files and I might
be persuaded to produce some of them if the mood
strikes me. Meanwhile I am running this shit now, and
all things Ufutian have been indefinitely suspended
like hunks of pineapple in lime jelly.
Absent Malice,
04.06.02
I am not quite back yet. Just popping by for a splash of entertangmont (as the French might call it).
After a very painful Hoosier hangover, I have finally finished updating the NCAA brackets. The NCAA seeding committee picked best (67% correct). I guess there is something to be said for geographic preference, eh?
Working on a newsletter to deal with cocksocketonian progress, site traffic, new crap, etcetera. I already have Matt's contribution, but I will not share it today.
I finished reading the last book, and have happened upon another. And beer brewing is to begin presently. I will keep you posted once things return to abnormal.
Toodaloo.
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