Whoopity Doo!

12.16.00

Dear Relentless and Obsessive cocksocket Fanatic,

Travel, travel, travel... Spent most of my time last week flying around to different places to do different things to acquire knowledge as well as the means to continue filling what little free time I still have with the glorious strains of cocksocket.  We'll be spending next week riding around in a train, visiting fading family members and so forth.  I'll try to get another update in before Christmas.

Well that's enough about me.  What about you?  You been doing anything new and exciting lately?  I'd love to hear all about it.  You know, Matt's latest Sports Beat has arrived,  and with it comes the exhilarating possibility that this week's picks will keep him above .500.  You go girl!

I do not expect much work on new music until after the New Year, but in the meantime I'll try to upload a thing or two that I've got lying around over here.  In particular, check out the featured, renegade version of the popular hit "Don't Tell My Heart".  This was the first of my songs ever to have been rejected by mp3.com--back in December 1998.  Please note how essential iuma.com is to the process of delivering the vaguely illicit morsels of the cocksocket repertoire.

At any rate, I hope this letter finds you in good health and in good spirits.  Eat well, prosper, and (above all) try not to do anything stupid.

Happy Holidays,

Captain Formaldehyde

P.S.

I'm Going To Wet Myself

12.07.00

I can't believe we are already into the second week of December (in the year of our Lord 2000).  I mean, come on already.  This is moving quickly now isn't it?  First off, the ChristmaSocket project is never actually going to make it to "project" status.  My intentions were, as always, quite pure, but what kind of a project has only one song?  I've not even been able to begin to formulate the professionally distilled essence of Cocksocket's White Christmas or Jingle Bells; I have, consequently, resolved to pull the plug on this project and re-present it during the holidays next year.  Listen to "Frosty" now while it is still up, yo. acne treatment

I have been involved lately in a secret, sensitive collaboration with Toby.  We are developing serious old-school intercontinental type cocksocket shit in the respective basements of our irrespective souls, so you have no real reason to fear.  In fact you now have ample reason to rejoice, for our efforts will soon be available here.  Stay tuned.

Matt's record has "zoomed" ahead of 50% due to his (mostly) successful picks last week

11.30.00

It is in fact the case that mp3.com has refused to host Frosty D. Snowman "pending resolution of a copyright issue".  Smells like a crock of shit to me, but I suppose this kind of thing is a live wire these days.  I honestly have a difficult time seeing the real issue here.  Have I somehow stolen something?  Does my interpretation of the larger concepts of "tradition" and "holiday" truly amount to theft?  Not likely, in my notoriously sage view.  Whatever else may be said, I do have some information to report to those budding musicians who, like me, may have an ear for incorporating some old-time samples into their work:  It looks like you can get a sample for around 40 bucks.

11.28.00

The first song from the forthcoming Christmas project has been encoded & uploaded.  It is likely that the new tune, "Frosty D. Snowman", is somewhat copyright challenged, and mp3.com is not allowing it on the site.

Frosty D. Snowman
Status: ON HOLD This item has been put on hold.  There is either a copyright issue or something wrong with the MP3 file.

I guess their recent legal trouble is starting to sink in--so be sure not to let them know about the Blabber Mouth Cat song.  At any rate, I did succed in uploading this hot little mama to iuma, where the transfer rates--like the standards--are low.

11.22.00

Yesterday, I received the first cocksocket royalty check, in the amount of $0.71, from the nice folks at IUMA.  You see, those folks give me a spot to post my songs, I drive massive amounts of traffic to their site, and they in turn cut me checks for wicked pocketfuls of fat cash.  Rock!

Thanksgiving is a time for binging and purging all the wicked and nasty thoughts of self denial you had earlier in the year.  During Lent.  Also Thanksgiving is a time for parades, panties, and pigskin.  Therefore, Matt / Loretta proudly presents his / her First Annual Artificially Expanded Sports Beat.

11.19.00

Cocksocket is now officially a key component of the DMOZ Open Directory Project (please, hold your applause until the end).  Also, and I do believe this is in a somewhat related vein, we are listed with opendir@gate99.  Gate99 is something that exists in another language--probably something akin to Netherlandic or whatever it is they speak under there, in the Netherlands.  At any rate I am not scared of it.

Cocksocket has conceived and developed two compositions as yet unrelated to any defined project.  The first, which is not called Manatee With A Mustache, sounds a little like the build up to a horror flick's climax, while the second, which is not called Pokey Loping Bitches, is not anything remotely like a pokey, loping bitch.  Although these are nothing more than experiments with randomly generated bullshit in csound, either one will nevertheless move you tears.  Crybaby.

11.18.00

I uploaded two more songs to garageband, Alone and It's Twelve O'Clock, Otto.  Garageband has changed its look, and I know it is experiencing incredible traffic growth, so here's hoping that these songs will be injected into rotation soon.  Chocolate Syrup Panty Hose and I Couldn't Believe It have been up for like 6 months, and the reviewing is going sooooo slooooowly.

11.15.00

Well it's worse than I originally thought.  More than merely embarassed and lady-like, Matt seems a little despondent and apathetic towards this week's Sports Beat, and towards his loyal fanbase.  So, everybody should send him some uplifting mail, unless you think he is a little ho-bag.  That is all; at ease.

11.09.00

Now, I tell you, it is even worse than halloween time.  First thing's first:  Mister Magic Matt has recently gone 0-2 on some football games, the outcomes of which appeared beforehand to be indisputable, and which he himself vowed not to call incorrectly.  No word from him lately.  Presumably he is sad and embarassed about the whole affair.  He is really just a soft little girl inside.  Alex (not his real name), who wishes to be called "PigFucker C.A.D.D.", has submitted something that resembles commentary.  Here's an excerpt from what you may find over here with the other amazing crap:

You are limitless, within your limited spectrum of fecality.  Perhaps, perhaps...but no.  Things are as they are and not as we would like them to be.

I will now put up a new feature song.  Now, isn't that better?  Also, Mindless Self Indulgence.

10.31.00

Oooooh!  Spooky halloween time.  Pox upon those liquor-stealing, bitch-ass neighbor kids if they touch my jack-o-lantern of "Pumpkinarchy".  I received an email from Loretta (a.k.a. Matt) lamenting mp3 download times in the era of widespread narrowband connections (suckers!).  He wants his own CD and makes a compelling case for getting one:

Yes, poor folks could go to the library and download it there.  But then they have to get their groove on in public.  Do you masturbate in public?  Then why should the poor helpless citizens have to beat it for all the world to see?

His full argument is collected here, among the other crap.  What can I say?  I'll have to send him a disc, and (for a limited time only) I'll send one to you too.  Just drop me a line, include your name, address, and 750 word essay on any topic of your choice, and I'll probably send you a CD.  Good deal.  Also, check out Matt's newest Sports Beat.  His quick turnaround and burgeoning football savvy make him all the more likely to hit 67% next Monday.

10.29.00

Alright kiddies.  Matt's latest Sports Beat has arrived, and we are all prepared to watch him hit 70% or 50% (or somewhere in between).  As far as the current crap goes, the Kakatory DooDoofication project is now in place.  Also, I've been spending most of my music time with csound, which seems like a pretty big sort of thing.  Yeah, yeah, that's all coming up soon.  Even sooner, perhaps, is a new, full-fledged project.  I am set to send a 4-track to Toby on Monday.  Provided he can find his tapes and is willing to mix them down and submit them to your sorry ass, there will be some ripe-ass & funkay fresh cocksocketing going on soon.  In the mean time, I'll be scouring mp3.com for interesting shit and trying to dig up some new quote for the front page.  I'm pretty pumped up about all the developments and varieties of doage that are nestled in the cool of the autumn air around us.

10.26.00

Well, it has been two weeks since I implored my creative team to begin work on the first wave of commentary.  They're all pretty silent on the issue.  Alex seems to have interest, but is concerned that this web page doesn't really exist.  Here is bit from one of his emails:

when I clicked on the link you provided me with for your alleged website, I did not go to a website, I went somewhere else entirely.  I mean, it was like a website, but there was nothing there.  Blankness and, ummmm, devoidity.  Right?  So how the hell am I supposed to WRITE commentaries about anal intrusions and the like (assuming that I was inclined to write about such things) when I do not BELIEVE that such a website even exists?  It's like, you're asking me to write theology without believing in Dog.  I won't do it.  Give me some fuckin' proof, okay?  I want a link that is a link to an actual thing, rather than some sort of computer age purgatory, dig?  Good.

So it's probably a good idea to send him some mail.  Matt, on the other hand, is a true pillar of the cocksocket community, always meeting his deadlines and crap like that.  All the rest are quiet like naptime, I don't really know about them yet.

On a higher note, Cocksocket has been added to another mp3 station.  This is by virtue of the song title for Lucky, which is about to become the featured song here.  And finally, after my notable diatribe against csound, I actually took the time to figure out how to install a compiler.  Without retracting my previous claim to remarkable computer prowess, I must advise that it will be some time before I produce anything at all with the language.

10.20.00

This weekend I'll be putting up the Kakatory DooDoofication project, so just prepare yourself for that. The contributing base is shriveling up like a withered piece of lettuce. Matt, however, continues to meet his deadline. Last week, he pulled up to 67%, but he's got a lot of hard work to do to get to his stated goal of 80%. Take a look at his latest Sports Beat for all the information about that. I recently dusted off the old Tascam 234, and began some new recordings sans computer for the project temporarily known as The Artist Formerly Known As Communication.

10.16.00

Please note:  cocksocket has been reviewed and, I guess, classified.  Whatever it is, it can be found here through listen.com, or here on Yahoo!, also sponsored by listen.com.  I found out this morning and then I peed in my friend's pants.  SWEET

10.12.00

Alright.  Twist my freaking arm, man.  Here's Matt's porky little Sports Beat.  Check it with care.  The man was 2-0 the first week, and 0-2 the second.  Well I guess somebody's been hitting the bottle again.  All nads aside, I'm going to be recruiting some serious talent (read: "the big guns"), to come on and submit some commentary, because, between you and me, this little shit-bit by Alex is just not cutting it anymore.  I think the Man Vs. Machine project has pretty much run its course. There are about 3 unfinished songs that will eventually find their way there, but all in all, we've pretty much got a complete thought.  I've been thinking a lot about issuing some of the early crappy shit.  Serves you right, ho-bag. 

10.07.00

Back after a week's hiatus.  Matt's getting a little big for his britches, after going 2-0 in his football picks last week.  In his current Sports Beat Matt claims he's "my sports gush".  I talked to a guy from Bapudi, and he grants you permission to promulgate and exchange Bapudi mp3s on Napster.

09.30.00

I'm running Napster 24/7 and there are several cocksocket mp3s in my directory.  My user ID is, naturally enough, barfbag22.  I think Napster's next day in court is coming like next week or something; they'll be losing their case, so download soon.  You silly little freak.

09.29.00

Oh yeah! Everything is coming together smoother than a diarrhea slurpee.  All the crap is basically in place, and I am a sexy mofo.

09.27.00

The new computer is Phat, but I'm going to need some time to acclimate myself to it (or it to myself, if you know what I'm saying).  Anyway, we've got the first installment of Matt's Sports Beat, in which he claims he's "my sports bitch".  You can check it out among other amaZing™ Crap.

09.26.00

The old computer, which was really just a slightly beefier version of two older computers, has died.  Something that seems like a video card problem, but which is not.  By the way, don't buy any crap from IBM, because their crap sucks.

09.23.00

Okay, here's the deal: mp3.com is a pretty good little service, right?  They are pretty good about opening up channels for independent musicians and basically giving the finger to the man, right?  Maybe, but I'm getting pretty sick of looking at banner ads for Sephora, or whatever.  And what is up with their new found love for the majors?  Anyway, Mr. Robertson & Co. are giving me the creeps these days, so I'll see what I can manage without them.  I'll still use them for storage or whatever, but I'll be only too happy to provide some fresh space and fresh content for as long as I can.