Ciao!

[earlier this week...]

The Arizona / St. Louis football is on right now, and, while it may be a little more exciting than I thought it was going to be, it is nevertheless quite dull. The Sopranos season is over. I am bored.

Reflecting on my Football picks for this weekend, I cannot help but be amazed, wondering (at times aloud) "what was I thinking?" or "why would you do that?" My picks came after the IU game last night, and after the black-and-tan-soaked celebrations, and after leaving black-and-tan-soaked rumblings on the answering machines of many of my friends across the country, and sometime before collapsing (in the bed this time) into a shallow, anemic slumber. So you could blame my state of mind, and this would be valid if only it were somehow different than the other 14 occasions when I have made my picks. Looks to me like this will be my first week with more losses than wins; It appears that I will relinquish my long-held mastery of the competition as well. So it goes.

Because I am bored, I decided to answer a question that has been scratching at my very soul for several years now. The question: "What is cheese food, and how is it different from cheese?" I have learned many things on my journey.

• There is a website called doitwithdairy.com
• The doitwithdairy website is not one devoted to styles or systems of having sexual intercourse with cheese.
• Pasteurized process cheese, cheese food, cheese spread and cold pack are made by blending one or more different kinds of natural cheese into a homogeneous mass. Through the addition of other optional ingredients such as salt and emulsifier, the appearance, texture and flavor of the cheese mass is modified
• It's good to build a healthy understanding of your favorite "cheese mass"
• There is a website called cheesereporter.com (the latest news from the world of cheese, plus wholesale cheese prices, new books and videos, and more!)
• Varieties of cheese product (think: cheese masses) include: pasturized process cheese, pasturized process cheese food, pasturized process cheese spread, imitation cheese (which is apparently made from vegetable oil), all of which are carefully defined by the FDA.
• Cheez Whiz falls outside of FDA-defined cheese masses, classified by craft as "pasturized process cheese sauce".

Here's what I learned from the FDA :

[Code of Federal Regulations] [Title 21, Volume 2] [Revised as of April 1, 2002

From the U.S. Government Printing Office via GPO Access

[CITE: 21CFR133.3] [Page 308]

TITLE 21--FOOD AND DRUGS CHAPTER I--FOOD AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION, DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES (CONTINUED) PART 133--CHEESES AND RELATED CHEESE PRODUCTS

--Table of Contents Subpart A--

General Provisions Sec. 133.3 Definitions

(a) Milk means the lacteal secretion, practically free from colostrum, obtained by the complete milking of one or more healthy cows, which may be clarified and may be adjusted by separating part of the fat therefrom; concentrated milk, reconstituted milk, and dry whole milk. Water, in a sufficient quantity to reconstitute concentrated and dry forms, may be added. (b) Nonfat milk means skim milk, concentrated skim milk, reconstituted skim milk, and nonfat dry milk. Water, in a sufficient quantity to reconstitute concentrated and dry forms, may be added. (c) Cream means cream, reconstituted cream, dry cream, and plastic cream. Water, in a sufficient quantity to reconstitute concentrated and dry forms, may be added. (d) Pasteurized when used to describe a dairy ingredient means that every particle of such ingredient shall have been heated in properly operated equipment to one of the temperatures specified in the table of this paragraph and held continuously at or above that temperature for the specified time (or other time/temperature relationship which has been demonstrated to be equivalent thereto in microbial destruction):

Pants, Wines, Thanksgiving, The Past, Matt's Sports Beat, Indiana Basketball, King Tufu & Dr. R, Toby

I got new pants. Fancy pants made of wool and in a variety of colors. Some pants are heavy, some lighter. All of them make my "tush" look "delightful". I like to get pants and I like to wear them. The more pants there are, well, the better your day will be

There are 3 different kinds of Chardonnay in my refrigerator right now. The circumstances under which this situation came about are unclear, undiscussable. Now listen, I am no wine connoisseur. I'll go ahead and call my own tastebuds "retarded". But it is important to approach this sort of multi-wine-bottle phenomenon in the appropriate way. So here's what I did: I lined up 3 glasses, each containing a different wine, and I spent some time sniffing and rubbing (the glass, of course) and tasting and gulping. Later I shall go and read some tasting notes from the winespectator, or some such place, and see how well I did. But for now, I live in the moment. Now, I present my neophylatical assesmentation of these yellow bottles of joy:

Turning Leaf, 2001
Let's start with the worst one first. It was a shade lighter than afternoon piss, not really different from either of the others. When I sniffed, all my puny, pathetic little mind could come up with was "cotton". So be it. The quaff was light, and there was something leathery about the finish. I noticed that this wine seemed to evaporate from my tongue, leaving traces of alcohol behind. One thing that was different about the Turning Leaf was that its flavor seemed to persist far longer than the other wines. Overall I would classify this as a soft and crass wine, and I give it 3 goddam stars on my 5 goddam star scale

Yellow Tail, 2002
This is a wine from Southeastern Australia and I liked it. I must say that this wine was warmer than the other two, which may have led to some confusion on the part of my (retarded) palate. The nose on this bad boy was Granny Smith Apple all the way. It was like an apple that was almost ripe, served up on an oak dish. Then, when I tasted it, it was like the wood vanished, and I was left with a perfect little apple cloud suspended what seemed like an inch above my tongue. The finish was very rapid, nostalgic. The sharp apple flavor at times seemed to show the alcohol a bit. I would classify the Yellow Tail as a young and ephemeral drink. 4 goddam stars on my 5 goddam star scale

Sterling, 2001
Sterling was the best, but in a sort of mysterious and slutty way. The nose was, well, elusive. I tried to equate it with orange, or cranberry, or some other dark red fruit. To no avail. I am not sure what I would call the aroma. The taste was also hard to pin down. It had more "texture" than the other two, and seemed to dribble over the sides of my tongue. I call this wine "dull" and "soft", for a lack of anything else to say. It was quite mysterious, and (hardly believable) almost chocolatey. This one gets 4 goddam stars on my 5 goddam star scale, and a ticket to my wine glass all night long.

Thanksgiving was fantastical yet again this year. The advantages Thanksgiving has over other holidays are insurmountable. There is a big ass Turkey; there are several other kinds of food; there is a license to eat all day long; there are seconds and thirds; there is football on the TV (like twice); there are leftovers; there is fine china; there is gravy; there's a parade; and in the end, it is all about being grateful. Grateful godammit! No contest.

I rooted around and found last year's menu, and edited it to suit this year. The cooking began promptly at 8:00 and we broke our bread at 1:00. Even the cold I had developed seemed to give a day-long reprieve. And that was a day of Naked Mountain, the best of the Virginia Wines (forget these other pretenders, this one kicked "ass" when it came to 'mouthfeel', 'body', 'fruity delights', etc.)

In the Past

1 year ago
12/5/2001

It is the first week of December, and all is right with the world. I flew to Chicago last weekend for routine reconnaisance, staying in a quaint little room in the Hampton Inn overlooking Six Flags. While most details of my mission must remain secret, I can say that I ate twice at Max and Erma's, twice at the surprisingly Chinese Ming's of Gurnee. I saw a gallon bottle of Heineken at the Liquor store, but I did not buy it. Instead, I got a glorious 6-pack of Guinness draught, all of which I consumed in an evening filled with $12.00 movies, limited cable television options, and inventive ways of opening beers in the absence of a proper bottle opener. I tore open the first bottle in 4 minutes with keys and a pen--the brute force method that left Guinness on my pants leg. I got the second bottle opened in under 2 minutes using the dresser drawer, and spraying about 4 ounces of Guinness down the front of my sweatshirt. The third bottle posed a lesser challenge than the previous two--opened in half a minute on the bathroom door, with only a few splatters on my undershirt. Bottles 4-6 were opened and consumed in short succession using the nightstand, which, as it turned out, is just a big, fancy, wooden bottle opener. Further stains to the clothing never materialize

2 years ago
11/22/2000

Yesterday, I received the first cocksocket royalty check, in the amount of $0.71, from the nice folks at IUMA. You see, those folks give me a spot to post my songs, I drive massive amounts of traffic to their site, and they in turn cut me checks for wicked pocketfuls of fat cash. Rock!

Thanksgiving is a time for binging and purging all the wicked and nasty thoughts of self denial you had earlier in the year. During Lent. Also Thanksgiving is a time for parades, panties, and pigskin. Therefore, Matt / Loretta proudly presents his / her First Annual Artificially Expanded Sports Beatzz.

Matt's Sports Beat is marching relentlessly forward. I (naturally) continue to dominate all pickers with some picks that are absolutely picktastic. Matt trails Dave by 7 games, and Dave trails me by 1. The idiot is all alone under 50%. In Week 3, when the picks were tighter, Matt had the following to say:

With some quick maneuvering and some help from the insiders, I've locked onto this week's picks not by chance but more of a hypothesis. If I am less than 50% right, the Superbowl can not be predetermined. If am more than 50% right, I already know the Superbowl champs and wish to party with those guys.

As Giambi says: "Play like an All-Star, Party like a Rock-Star, Hammer lik a Porn-Star"! (My new creedo)

Here is my question. Matt, you were well over 50%, so who will the Superbowl champs be? With whom will you party (like a Rock-Star)? Whom will you hammer (like a Porn-Star)? Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em…

Speaking of sports, Indiana Basketball is back and full swing yet again. Tonight, the Hoosiers face off against the Terrapins in a rematch of last year's championship game. Indiana lost Jared Jeffries last year, while Maryland lost Juan Dixon, Lonnie Baxter, and Chris Wilcox. Even so, both teams look great this year. Yesterday's AP poll ranked Indiana at 10 and Maryland at 9. After a 4-0 start, the Hoosiers look stronger than they have in 10 years, since Alan Henderson was on the team, hell, since Calbert was there. Woohoopitydoo! Let the record show that Indiana is favored by 3.5 points

What Tufu Says:
While we may not know just what in the hell is going on in the land of King Tufu, there have been some communications from that side of things. And, look. It's no secret that Dr. R. is the guy that keeps you informed: