It's okay to pump, but keep your legs together

Oscars for Sean Penn and Peter Jackson?

A new kind of beer bong

Portrait of the artist as a dead young bunny

just look at that lovely, smoky, blonde ho'!

nice day for it!

check out the fridge - plenty o' beer, games, and movies. I already enjoyed all the Guinness and Harpoon!
La Vacanza del Capitano Formaldehyde

program begins: 27 February 2004 (17:00 P.M.)
program ends: 8 March 2004 (8:00 A.M.)

Tuesday, 3/2 - 10:15

Anybody else just can't get enough Grape Nuts? Man I sure do love 'em. The trick is: add a little sugar and let them soak up milk for a few minutes before you begin.

Tuesday, 3/2 - 00:50

I just succeeded in kicking my wife off the computer. She's going to get some sleep, so that when the little man wakes up in the middle of the night, she will be "at the ready" to comfort. That's good, on account of how she is more comforting than me. By a lot.

Last night was pretty brutal. I know that I had 16 hours, but I am still astounded that I was able to drink 22 beers in that time. The last time I drank that many, I was in Las Vegas (On Miller's dime) and I may have urinated on the hotel carpet (you've got no proof, though, do you?). The time before, I vomited by the trash cans next to the house. But last night, no fluids were expelled; I just won a bunch of chips at fuckin' pokerstars.com

What else?

A couple of days ago, I watched the first episode of "The L Word", on Showtime. "The L Word" is a new show about lesbians -- I guess it's like a girly "Queer as Folk". Anyway the difference between this show and the reality of the lesbian lies in the hotness of the chicks. In "The L Word", all the chicks are smoking hot. Not a nasty butch in the bunch. However, if you are thinking about watching, don't do it. The show really, really, really sucks. You may see hot chicks gettin' it on, but it's just such a boring waste of time that you wouldn't even enjoy that. The problem is how the writers of the show don't seem to have any sense at all of how people talk or act. I hate that kind of bullshit. Just write a goddam show, for fuck's sake! htc incredible v blackberry

What else?

Anybody seen that movie Phone Booth? When I went to see Old School last year, I believe I saw an ad for Phone Booth. "How can you make a movie out of that?" I asked myself. Well, I think I now have the answer: First, make it a very short movie -- well under 90 minutes. Second, make it pretty good (you know, have a sense of how people talk and act). What I am saying is that it's a pretty good movie, all things considered. Plus Colin Farrell is totally dreamy. Go ahead and watch that.

In sum, today seems like Saturday. I slept in. I played golf. I ate good. I won some poker dough. And now, I think I will go to sleep. But not before I hit pokerstars.com up for some more fake-ass monday.

Monday, 3/1 - 16:30

Ahhh! I got up again about 1:30, with hardly any headaches. I rubbed my eyes, changed clothes, and went to the par-3 course. I shot 39, but the last stroke was a 16-foot downhill breaking putt for birdie. I am really quite gifted.

Everybody here is asleep, and I am considering taking a second nap so that I will be firing on all cylinders tonight at the real poker game. I don't really remember winning all those chips last night, but I hope whatever I was doing allows me to take suckaz money tonight!

I think I the Noggin show Oswald just jumped up a couple of points in the ratings. Oswald was just singing a song about "Big Banana Day", and he keeps going up to people and saying "It's big banana day. Do you want a piece?" Absolutely brilliant!

Monday, 3/1 - 09:45

At about 3:30 this morning I went to sleep, making a nightcap out of beer #22 and slipping into sweet dreams on the wings of 85,000 fake poker chips. It really was delightful -- until about 7:00 this morning when I awoke with 2 headaches, one on the inside and one on the outside. They're both still here. Damn I gotta get some more sleep.

Sunday, 2/29 - 22:45

Almost 11:00, and the show goes on. Spent some quality time with fuckin' pokerstars.com, and here is the report: an hour's worth of play, starting from scratch, yielded 26 hands, of which I saw 24 flops and won 9 pots, for a total of 7,500 chips. What a goddam waste of time!

Just polishing off beer #14 now, I still feel pretty sober. Miller light has a way of not doing that to you. The rest of my evening will consist of 1) finishing the Oscars and 2) Grand Theft Auto III. In the morning, the wife is going to get herself primped and beautiful at around 09:00. Once she returns I swear to god I am going to play golf.

Sunday, 2/29 - 21:15

GAWD! This awards ceremony is friggin' boring! Why is there so much political commentary? Why so many commercials? Why so much boring crap coming out of Billy Crystal's fuzzy head? I swear this is gonna drive me to Poker Stars...

Sunday, 2/29 - 19:45

Big night tonight, eh? The Oscars are just about to kick off. I've been watching the E! "pre-game", "red-carpet" show for awhile now, and it occurred to me that I haven't properly handicapped the awards ceremony yet. I am sure that you are interested in my opinions 1) because I am a media magnate of sort and 2) in spite of the fact that I haven't been to the cinema since Old School a year ago.

No matter! As a persistent follower of pop-culture phenomena my guesses are guaranteed to satisfy.

My picks for the academy awards, 2004

Best Director
Sophia Coppola will surprise Peter Jackson and Clint Eastwood. A massive group hug will be conducted among several members of the audience, including Russell Crowe, Roberto Benigni, and Fernando Mirelles. Note: I actually did see this Lost In Translation a couple of weeks ago on DVD

Best Supporting Actor and Actress
C'mon, who cares? Okay, Rene Zellweger and Alec Baldwin

Best Actress
Charlize Theron. The press on her is like locomotive steam engine. "Oooh! How committed you must have been to get so ugly for a part". Note: I haven't even seen a clip from Monster.

Best Actor
Sean Penn will steal it from Bill Murray. I know everybody's all juicy about the prospect of Bill getting "his due". However, he just wasn't ALL THAT.

Best Picture
Return of the King. I think I saw the first one of these, but it was somewhat forgettable. I can't imagine that Seabiscuit is worthy.

Sunday, 2/29 - 13:30

Not much to report. I just ate a grilled cheese sandwich and a bowl of tomato soup. It was delicious. Golf began at 10:00, beer drinking started before noon. I'm guessing a nap is about to come into play -- for both me and minnie me.

Today is a leap day, which (as I understand it) doesn't happen every year. Yes, they tell me that the day comes only once every 4 years. Interestingly (or not -- I will let you judge), once every century -- in years that end in "00" -- the leap day is skipped. When I first learned this at the end of 1999, I was very excited at the prospect of skipping a leap day in 2000. I jumped around gleefully chanting until I learned the following exception to the exception -- On century marks divisible by 400, leap day is on. What does all this mean? I don't know, and I forget why I started thinking about it. Something about my great grandchildren doing something. I don't have any great grandchildren. Not that I know of anyway. No jimmy hat is "seed-proof", right? Продам клавиатуру не дорого

Right?

Sunday, 2/29 - 07:30

Here it is, the crack of dawn! Noggin has taken control of my television. On this especially early morning, I have already enjoyed a full episode of Miffy and Friends! Miffy is yet another reason why my child should choose to sleep in. That Miffy will rot your brains! "Miffy! Cute little bunny... / Miffy! Smart little bunny" Cute and smart my ass. Miffy is really, really irritating. I think it is produced by a heard of jackasses. This show fills my soul with the urge to act out my latent violent tendencies.

Now, in my time I have had the opportunity to watch a lot of this Noggin television, the main virtue of which is the low incidence of commercials. Hey! If I'm gonna have the TV babysit my kid, I'm gonna do it responsibly. Actually, I am not sure how Noggin stays afloat. Their TV sponsorship includes 1 30-second ad for a cereal called "Mud & Bugs" (yummm.), and 1 30 second ad for McDonalds. I think these ads show once every 3 hours.

You might think they would try to sell more show-related merchandise (stuffed animals, bandanas, t-shirts, wallets, etc.) but, as you can see from the website, they are not particularly mobilized to do so. I think their new strategy is cutting down on production costs -- just check out their "puppet" show Oobi. Boy I'll tell you, though, that Oobi is one good show, even if they forgot to make the costumes. Oobi has proven time and again to be the best antidote for Miffy.

Without further ado, I present:
Captain Formaldehyde's Quick Guide To Noggin: A Physician's Desktop Reference.

The Channel
Noggin is one of these advanced channels which require a subscription to digital cable and a cable box. I'm pretty sure this channel is not universal, but I think Comcast carries it wherever they are.

The Host
Noggin TV has a noteworthy emcee, Moose A. Moose. This is a big and friendly yellow moose, who is most likely EXTREMELY underpaid. Babies only weeks old respond to this moose, because of his raw charisma, screen presence, and star power. Oobi started out as an in-between-shows short segment, and went on to get his own show. Moose A. Moose deserves that and more. Hey Moose! If you are looking for an agent, give me a call!

The Shows
Here's a rundown of the main noggin shows, in order of descending importance

Oobi
Oobi is flat-out superior to all the rest. The distance between Oobi and its nearest competitor is measured in light years, not inches! Really surprising for such an underdog, too -- a hand puppet show, with mostly unadorned hands. Follow the adventures of Oobi, his sister Uma, friend Kako, and (best of all) Grampu. Lovely! I am always a little bit troubled about Oobi's parents -- did they die in a car wreck or something?

Play with me, Sesame
Hard to go wrong with anything Sesame-related. Gotta say, even though this is a really good show, Prairie Dawn has GOT TO GO! Can you hear me CTW people? That little skank gets on ma nerves. Cookie monster goes a long way toward making up for her, though.

Tiny Planets
Initially I hated this one. I thought it was some lame-ass, computer-generated, thoughtless turd. That was before I realized just how high the producers like to get. Yes, friends, follow the adventures of Bing and Bong, space creatures who live on their couch, which doubles as a bed, and then triples as a space ship. They travel to different planets where they try to figure just what the hell is going on, typically assisted by the Flockers. You probably think I'm making this up. Well you are wrong, dirty Flocker! взять недорогую кровельный профнастил цена без проблем


Oswald
Oswald is a big, blue, soft-spoken octopus with a quirky friend, Henry the demented penguin. Yes, it's that good! And everybody is glad to see Fred Savage and "Squiggy" are still working.

Blue's Clues
Everybody knows this one, right? Started off with that freaky, squeaky-clean kid Steve. Now it is somebody else (Joe?) and doesn't seem to be very good. Steve did the show for years, and then one day he saw a Flaming Lips concert, and just quit the show. I think he has his own band now. No matter who hosts, though, there is no doubt that the show is like crack for babies.

Maisy
I like maisy mainly because of how often the characters seem to be pissing themselves, and changing in and out of bathing suits. All the characters speak some befuddling gibberish, and the narrator has a soothing voice

Connie the Cow
This is a show about a british cow, who ambulates by fluttering her hooves. Connie is as respectable, proper, and well-adjusted as Oswald is, well, weird. Anyway, this show is so gentle and soothing that you have to love it.

Gullah Gullah Island
Here's where the line gets drawn and we begin the slow descent into mediocrity. Gullah's pretty good, but not great. I haven't seen it very much. I think the basic premise is that there is a multicultural family that lives on an island. And there is a strange yellow frog - the pollywog. That's all I know

Dora the Explorer
This is a show about a girl who goes around speaking "Spanglish", and (I'm pretty sure) carrying out missions for a Latin American puppet dictatorship. If she is a spy, she's a damn good one. She'll always be throwin' you off your game by singing the same songs over and over again. "Backpack" is about the infrastructure of mules in the Colombian drug trade; "Where are we going" is a coded set of travel instructions; "We did it!" is an acceptance of responsibility for high-profile terrorist attacks.


Little Bear & Franklin
Little Bear and Franklin are pretty much the same. One is a bear, the other is a turtle, and both are the type of bitch-ass weenies that make an elementary school playground so much fun to watch. These two are pretty much always making bad decisions and then going around to everybody and apologizing. There is a lot of whining as well. I think the title song to Franklin goes like this: "Hey it's Franklin ... / That little pussy ..." This can't be good for kids to watch

Bob the Builder
This show and a greasy pile of cow patties are indistinguishable to me. I hate the animation. I hate bob. I hate all the cellphones and the hard hats. I try never to watch this. I recommend you not watch it as well.

Miffy and Friends
Miffy sucks mainly because it is clearly produced by people who have never spent any time around real children. Now if this were a show for mentally challenged adults, then it would probably be a little more successful. As it is, though, it should be avoided like the insipid, formulaic mess that it is. It is hard to spell out what exactly the problem is, probably because it is so tightly integrated into every aspect of the show, but if you ever get a chance to watch "the same game", I think you will understand. Maybe this will help

Tweenies
And finally, ladies and gentlemen, I give you the worst of the worst, the bottom of the shoe, the Tweenies. This is a show about 4 curiously-shaped puppet freaks, 1 overly spastic, 1 obviously gay, 2 way too bitchy, and all 4 at least mildly retarded. Too much singing and dancing. I am told that the way these characters act is very realistic for 3-6 year-olds. So now I actively avoid members of that age group.

Saturday, 2/28 - 23:15

I failed to hit the hay. I mean, I hit it, but only until the phone rang and the baby awoke. What could I do? I comforted that little man-child; he fell asleep; I took the shrinkwrap off of GTA III and began my missions. Made it through about 5 missions and 4 beers before I decided once again to hit the hay! That's where I am at now.

Also, I had a little bit of fun checking up on cocksocket.org via archive.org. Experience the thrills here.

Saturday, 2/28 - 21:30

Prudently resisting the temptation to fritter away my time with the good people of Poker Stars, I believe I will retire early. Will I be watching a movie? Knocking boots? On my left side drooling on the sheets? Sorry, folks, that's priviledged informazione!

Saturday, 2/28 - 20:30

Well, the jungle gym was no friggin' joke! Engineered by some (evidently perverse) French Canadians, we didn't finish construction until after 5:00. Afterwards I enjoyed a "yummy" Ardbeg and a tasty Laphroiag. There was a spare bottle of 10-year-old Ardbeg that I arranged to bring back here. That was smart of me.

Looks like the Accenture WGC will provide some fireworks tomorrow. Tiger and DLIII head-to-head in 36 holes of match play? Yeah, I don't think you are likely to see any better golf than that before the Masters. I will camp out in front of the tube for as long as I can stand it tomorrow.

I gave up meat for lent, the downside of which is just beginning to hit me: I can't eat no Pepperoni Pizza Rolls.

Saturday, 2/28 - 11:00

pokerstars.com was interrupted by a hungry, alert child, who woke up before 1:00 and was more or less active until 3:30. That and the excessive beer intake made for a bit of a restless night. Don't cry for me just yet, though, I got a little extra nap this morning.

Looks like golf is out for today. I was propositioned last night to help build some kind of backyard jungle gym in exchange for some delicious and uncommon whiskies. How could I refuse? Although, according to the misses, I may have gotten in over my head. I was lead to believe last night that this jungle gym project was to be a simple and quick affair. Mrs. F's intelligence suggests that I may be in for some actual manual labor. I hope not.

Saturday, 2/28 - 00:50

fuckin' pokerstars.com update: 14 hands; I saw 3 flops, splitting one of them in a showdown with a chucklehead; Before that, I got cornholed by a full boat, after I made my straight on the river. Who's idea was this anyhow? Fuck pokerstars.com!

Friday, 2/27 - 23:30

Had a little scare there, when the cable box went down. I couldn't get a picture on any channel, VOD, or even crap we had recorded onto the hard drive. Things got at least as dire as the tone in my voice with my cable operator. They told me they would send somebody out Monday (between 8:00 A.M. and 8:00 P.M. -- the fuckers). I figured the early portion of "la vacanza" was busted and in a last ditch attempt, I unplugged the gol-dang box from the wall. When I re-plugged-it-in, everything was "hunky dory". Close call y'all!

Friday, 2/27 - 20:30

Okay, here's the situation. I have acquired a modest vacation period, which I expect to spend immediately, doing nothing in particular. This promises a couple of innovative notions. First, I have never taken vacation time without traveling somewhere, visiting somebody, etc. This time, none of that. I got 9 days of jackshit here at the house! Beginning tomorrow.

Second, no matter what the situation, I have, on previous vacations, always taken time out to check on voice mail and email. This time, "no can do". I am imposing a no-work-related-stress-factor zone on my time-away-from-work zone.

Third, I am planning to document my (pro)gress here on the website.

Fourth, I will try to the best of my abilities to shy away from the dastardly pokerstars.com. Fuck that place, in a way, because it sucks out so much of my precious energies!

I began the festivities promptly at 4:30, leaving work surreptitiously to visit my local Circuit-City-brand electronics store. Therein I purchased 1 copy of Grand Theft Auto super game bundle for the XBOX, 1 copy of the film "matchstick men", 1 copy of Sex And The City--Season 5. The first 2 I plan to enjoy during my vacation. The third is for my lovely wife. The store was all sold out of season 1 of The Chappelle Show, which irritated me a bit -- no way to begin your vacation. However, as I left the store the alarm did NOT sound, so that was a plus.

Chief plans for the coming week include 1) golf. lots of golf; 2) some new cocksocket recording(s); 3) on rainy days when golf is not possible, shooting the rock for pleasure at the "Y"; 4) drinking beer and/or whisky in the daytime, perhaps with eggs; 5) acquisition of a webcam for the pleasure of KK, whose recent video must be posted forthwith (but that's another story); 6) at least one solo trip to the cinema;

If I think of anything else along these lines, I will be sure to let you know.