 
|
|
|
Music Messageboard Sugar and peet on the nose; smooth on the palate; prickly leather on the long finish, baby. So long, happy trails, and (of course) HANG IN THERE Does THIS make you horny?  Like ohmygod! I really love TV; and angry men. Damn I am high. Are you this high too?  El mexicano es elegante porque inventaron el taco de la haba  Remember the glory? Newt and JJ holding it down 2 years ago...
|
La Vacanza del Capitano Formaldehyde
program begins: 27 February 2004 (17:00 P.M.)
Download the song here
Welcome to my world, a bullshit vacation innovation! If you are looking for the usual page, you may find it here. Be forwarned: that place is getting smelly from disuse... Men's NCAA Basketball Tournament Cocksocket - 34 - 26: 57% RPI - 40 - 20: 67% NCAA - 42 - 18: 70% AP - 39 - 21: 65% Sunday, 3/28 - 21:00 Whatta day! I woke up plenty early with thoughts of afternoon naps racing through my head, but no such napping occurred. Probably best that way. If I ever do nap on Sunday, then I just don't get any sleep before Monday morning rolls around. In fact, I typically begin the Sunday drinking much earlier than usual in order to make sure that I can get to bed in a timely fashion. I watched a movie called View From The Top. It had people in it like Gwenyth Paltrow, Mike Myers, Christina Applegate, Candice Bergin, etc. Anyway, I watched it and I am here to tell you that this movie is quite like a dream. Not necessarily in a good way. It's like a dream insofar as it is hard to pin down, somewhat forgettable, a bit alluring, and likely to interfere with your quality awake time. Most notable were the tight shorts and cleavage in the first half hour. Christina Applegate is a very underrated, er, actress. The best part had to do with a cat fight and a loaf of bread. There was golf; there was basketball; there was a trip to the grocery store involving vegetarian bacon. The vegetarian bacon, as it turns out, is really quite delicious and "bacony". I can't wait to tear into the vegetarian sausage. Those people over at Morningstar sure know how to make fake meat products! Would you believe that they even have vegetarian corn dogs? They do. One of the more disquieting elements of the store was the appearance of "healthy" Lay's potato/corn chip products. There was a display of "natural Doritos", and "Lay's chips seasoned with sea salt", and some other shit like that. All of the packaging was the sort of flat paper that you used to find exclusively in your local hippie-food store, and the "partially-hydrogenated" oils are now known as "expeller-pressed". No artifical colors in the Natural Doritos? What does that even mean? Are they charging more for adding less? It looked like the same goddam thing to me. Speaking of packaging, the Britney Spears concert is now playing on Showtime. I love that Britney Spears. She really knows how to show just the right amount of skin and how to successfully straddle the wide grey line between pop star and whore! What I dislike about her in general is her lack of singing ability. She's always lip-synching and in the case of the concert on tonight I'm pretty sure she pre-recorded everything in the studio. It's really not even close -- nearly as bad as Jamie Presley during last year's NBA finals. Give me Christina Aguilera any day. There's one who both shows AND sings her ass off everytime. Sunday, 3/28 - 09:00 La Vacanza is with us in spirit, if not in fact. La Vacanza is Dead! Long Live La Vacanza! Hear the latest incarnation du incantation: La Vacanza del Capitano Formaldehyde (version 032804) Sunday, 3/21 - 22:45 Grilled cheese, french fries, and tater tots for dinner tonight. I added some breakfast bacon to the misses's sandwich, 3 fat tomato slices adorned mine. We finished with cake and ice cream. Delicious. Later... Sunday, 3/21 - 18:00 Shuffle on... shuffle on... Things are back to normal here on La Vacanza Capitolo Due, apart from the fact that this vacation too is almost gone. The folks have packed it up and headed back home, godblessem. The sun is setting, typically, in the west. And I can't see the ding-dang Wisconsin-Pittsburgh game. No matter, as this UAB-UK game is quite an entertaining one to watch Woke up early today, at about 7. I had some coffee and watched some Noggin TV. I swear, if Noggin doesn't stop showing the new, stupid-ass Franklin movie I will have to stage some kind of mass boycott. The "Green Knight" has got to go! As it was Mrs. Formaldehyde's birthday, I whooped up a worthy breakfast for her: pancakes w/ bacon. I made regular pancakes and some truly brilliant blueberry pancakes. Man, you better look out when I get in the kitchen, because I can seriously go off and fuck shit up. You should have had a couple of these fat-ass pancakes. I'm talking about melting in your mouth, seeping in through your gums, straight lubricating your brains and coming out your ear (if I do say so myself). Anyway, after that I went out to get a cake and a gift for ma lady. First I went to Kroger and picked out a nice little yellow cake, which I had adorned with the following: "Happy Berfday, Mrs. Formaldehyde". It's been a big hit. Second, I went to Crate and Barrel to get a new set of dishes. But the dishes there su-uuu-ucked, so I went over to Pottery Barn, wherein I got some good stuff: (dinner plate, salad plate, cereal bowl, coffee mug) x 8. Now we can get rid of that ridiculous 80's Pfalzgraff shit that cracks everytime you put it in the microwave. Whoopity-doo! Now I am here watching some basketball, drinking some beer, and generally running out the remainder of La Vacanza. I haven't played a lick of poker, or worked on the song. I have managed to find an even more creative way to express my charming alcoholism (grappa), and I believe I am developing a couch-blister on my ass (from sitting so long in front of the tee-vee). If I ever planned to play golf, I don't know what I was thinking. This tournament really requires a serious time committment. Still not altogether happy about the Hoosiers missing the tourney, especially unhappy about the first losing season in my lifetime, and a bit consternated about the recent news that Josh Smith may skip IU and go straight to the pros, I neverless have to register my support for Mike Davis and underscore my optimism for the basketball years to come. Oh shit! Just remembered the beer in the freezer - damn beer-freezer game! Saturday, 3/20 - 20:45 I had a fantastic little meal at my favorite (or possibly 2nd favorite) Italian restaurant tonight. Mrs. Formaldehyde and I stole away for a couple of hours, entrusting that crazy little midget man to his grandfolks. What a smart move that was! I ate a dish consisting of several types of mushroom and some flat noodles. Because it was a cream sauce, I was thinking about a sturdy Chardonnay, but the waiter recommended a Sangiovese, and let me tell you, he was right on the goddam money. I never would have gone red if I had been left to my own devices, but this is just another example of why sometimes you just need to leave it to the professionals. Anyway, I should keep this short on account of how this UNC / Texas game is looking like "one to watch". Just know that the meal was good, and it was finished with a Grappa, a type of alcohol which I had never sampled before, but which must be akin to the Greek tsipporo, and which is a tasting experience unto itself. I don't know much about Grappa, but I think it is basically Mediterranean moonshine, derived from the skins and stems of spent wine grapes. Look, just try it if you get the chance. I had the Gavi di Gavi. There were a lot of overdressed high school couples at the restaurant. I gather that this is the time of year for the "Sadie Hawkins" dance. I don't remember having one of these, but it appears to be very similar to the prom. With lanky, pale, zitted boys in patent leather shoes, and overly-self-conscious post-pubescent chicks wearing dresses sinfully (but legally) off the shoulder. It was fun to watch them curves go waggling by. Saturday, 3/20 - 13:00 La Vacanza is becoming slightly less vacanza-like lately, mainly on account of how that little magic midget doesn't like to sleep very much. I was up until after 1:00 watching Blue's Clues. It started to drive me crazy, so I holed-up in the kitchen and tried to make extensive tasting notes on my extensive bourbon quaffing. What a pathetic sight that must have been -- baby watching TV from his play-pen in the dark while dad guzzles whiskey pants-less in the kitchen (had to remove the pants because of the "swish-swish" sound of one be-denimmed thigh on another). Anyway, I recorded that nonsense on 3 small yellow pieces of paper, and I register those results below Tonight I am in for Mrs. F's birthday dinner, which should prove to be delicious. Viva la in-law-babysitters! Friday, 3/19 - 23:55 Friday, 3/19 - 12:00 Looks like I'm in for a thumpin', in more ways than one. This nasty little cold has taken up a firm position within my sinus cavity, and appears willing to fight to the death. I have it on good authority that this cold is protecting Al Qaeda's #3 man... Also, my picks for the first round of the tournament do not appear to have been made very well. Oh well, it is high noon, and I have to get back to the couch before the next tip-off. Thursday, 3/18 - 21:00 Billy Packer is one irritating announcer. I think Bill Raftery may be worse, but only a little. Maybe it is something about announcers named "Bill". Bill Walton also sucks. But Mr. Packer sucks in his own completely sucky way. What happens with him is that he doesn't seem to be watching the game that he is covering. Almost like he has prepared a few observations about each team that he delivers at regular intervals. Over and over again he will say things like "UTEP doesn't have much of a bench", "a quick game favors Maryland, because of their depth", "UTEP wants to play a half-court game because they need to save their energy", "that was an NBA-range 3-pointer that I am surprised to see UTEP take because they don't have the depth that they might need if they were to advance to the next round", etc. I would like to make a joke now about Billy Packer, and how that name is reminiscent of "fudge packer", but, you know what? I don't think I will make fun of him like that on account of how there's nothing wrong with packing fudge occasionally, or even frequently. Being gay is cool! Anyway, not much basketball drama here as Duke is easily coasting to victory, Connecticut has person-handled Vermont, and Princeton appears to be no match for Texas. I would like to see some of that Michigan St. game, thought. It's the only close game happening right now, but the operators of the anti-big-ten-cbs machine want to put the screw to me yet again. I would be angrier if Indiana were involved, but they are nowhere near post season play. So I will just take it as it comes. You dig? Thursday, 3/18 - 18:15 This is a break in the action, when there are no games on, and when I have nothing in particular to do. I watched the end of the Bay Hill broadcast and drank a couple of beers, but then I ran out of steam. VCU lost a tough game and they really played out of their heads. I would have liked to have had them advance after that effort. No dice, malaka! In the course of watching all these basketball games, I have been treated to many, many commercials. I believe I have already mentioned the Cialis commercial, but I think I now have a new favorite -- from the good people of Applebee's. That advert has a catchy, if demonic, take on a classic Turtles song. It goes like so...
Or shrimp and steak Imagine both of these On just one plate For me and you a choice of shrimp And juicy steak So happy together True poetry, my babies! Eat up! I got to see my favorite episode of Oobi today. It is the one where Oobi get piano lessons from Inga, and Grampu is all mackin' on Inga, like bringing her some special tea and talking about how tight her body is. Inga's a little tease too; she's all like "ooh, Grampu! You must be a musician". The sexual tension is palpable. I also got to see my second favorite Oobi episode -- "Dance Party, Dance", where everybody just GETS DOWN to the funky disco groove. I think I may be getting a little tipsy. I have already started the freezer beer game, and that's on top of the (therapeutic) whisky from this afternoon. I don't guess this can really last too much longer. If I happen to check out for the night prematurely, don't sweat it. The games left on the docket for tonight? Alabama St. vs. Duke, Air Force vs. North Carolina. Fuck! A couple of jokes. I hope I get to see some of the Nevada vs. Michigan ST. game. Maybe even Dayton vs. DePaul. Here's hopin'... Thursday, 3/18 - 15:00 I woke up too early this morning, with an ominous scratchiness in the throat. I think the cold has arrived inside of me. I tried to fend it off with several grams worth of vitamin C tablets. Gotta say, those chewable C tabs are Deee-gusting! I have lately employed whisky to help soothe the throat. Teachers Highland Cream. Maryland had their hands full of UTEP, but they managed to squeak it through. I really like Maryland, but I just can't help rooting for the underdogs in the tournament. Usually I get all pissed because I have to watch too many ACC games during the first round. This year, however, even I am impressed by the ACC, a fact which I can only admit with great difficulty. NC State is about to tip off against Virginia Commonwealth University. Virginia is a Commonwealth, not a state. For lunch, I am pleased to report that I had a Morningstar tomato and basil veggie pizza burger. While it was delicious, I think the copywriters were coming off their collective gourd when they wrote the following statement on the outside of the package "enjoy the traditional flavor of Italy". You know, that traditional vegetarian pizza burger flavor! Equally coked-up copywriters were also responsible for the following disclaimer at the end of a Cialis commercial: "erections that last more than 4 hours, while rare, require immediate medical help". What they failed to mention was that the immediate medical help consists of a lubed-up reach-around by an orderly in the waiting room. Thursday, 3/18 - 02:00 Jesus Christ, people (no offense, Mel Gibson), it was way too much work to make my picks. I may have screwed some shit up, but if changes need to be made, I will make them unobtrusively, and in good order. Anyway, bring on the MURDER. Show me some games! Follow the madness up there above, dude... Wednesday, 3/17 - 23:45 I would like to congratulate Domino's Pizza for providing quality pizzas to this house for the past 3 years. Tonight, as always, the Domino's pizza I ate was outstanding. Actually, tonight the pizza was mysteriously more delicious. Onion and green pepper -- medium. Or should I say "medi-YUM"? I do have a beef with this one delivery dude, though. It all started a couple of years ago. I was traveling and Mrs. Formaldehyde satisfied her pizza urge by phoning the good people of Domino's. Now Mrs. F. is a stickler about tipping, so she called me in my hotel room to confirm that her tip would be adequate (possibly superior). Let me tell you, it was a generous tip at +20%. When the pizza dude arrived, Mrs. F. gave him the pre-counted-out amount and thanked him for the pie. Dude counted the money, paused, and said "is that all you are going to tip?" Mrs. F. threw in an extra buck or so and sent him on his way. When I heard about how this all went down, it occurred to me what a piss ant this guy was. He took a perfectly generous tip and milked my lady for more. By and by, I had Mrs. F. identify the offending pizza dude. Ever since then, whenever he's the driver, I intentionally stiff him on the tip. He'll come up and be like "$16.87". I will give him a $20 and then say "give me 2 bucks back". Then he will be all like "hmm... 2 dollars..." and he will look at me like he's asking a question. Then I will be like "oh, yeah, my mistake. Give me 3 dollars back." I always make it a point to overtip when that motherfucker is not at my door. I don't care who it is, I flip 25%, 30%, sometimes 40% just to try and create trouble for him back at the store. It has, naturally, occurred to me that I may have eaten a slice or two, tainted with this guy's spit or urine or ass hair or whatever. However, you have to take a stand somewhere. Am I right? Of course I am right. And maybe I'm getting some secret crusty ingredients that make the pie taste better. Like tonight, when the ass-hole was stuck making pizza and not delivering it, maybe he flaked some fingernail into the toppings just to get revenge. I used to worry more about that kind of thing. I even tried switching to Pizza Hut to avoid it. But have you tasted Pizza Hut pizza lately? It's like regular pizza covered in a wet fart. You have to remove the anal mist from the top of the pie gingerly with a paper towel before you can even contemplate eating it. Frankly, I would rather occasionally eat some of my asshole driver's residue than suffer another Pizza Hut monstrosity! Wednesday, 3/17 - 18:30 Back In Business, Baby Of course, if La Vacanza is a business, it is a novel one. It would be nice, but I just can't make the model work. No matter! Your Formaldehyde Captain has secured 2 additional working days to perfect the original vacation experience. Hang on to your chin straps! It's vacation chapter 2 -- "La Vacanza Capitolo Due" First, questa vacanza (capitolo due) is a shorter type of vacanza, spanning less than half of the original. This does not automatically mean half the fun, however. If the matter is more effeciently organized, we may be able to squeeze in at least 90% of the fun. And so, I shall now concookt The Plan
Rules of The Plan:
Other circumstances to consider:
The size of this page seems to be growing, so I will consider instituting a photo-archive to take care of all them ding-dang pictures over there. I decided to launch this chapter in the Vacation with a hearty dram of Talisker 10-Year-Old. This is a dear bottle that set me back about 2-bucks a dram. I got it because, well, it sounds tasty when people talk about it. It is tasty, but not nearly as "spicy" as all them ding-dang whisky writers make it out to be. I would call it smooth, mildly alluring, with some kind of crazy good finish. But I think I prefer the Dalmore 12. Blue's Clues is some kind of fucked-up baby crack! Even though that little man is sick, he stops crying and pays attention when Steve comes on. What do I say to that? "That's your da-da, little man" Sunday, 3/7 - 22:30 There may technically be as many as 9.5 hours of vacation left, but we are basically done. Success, I say! The main questions I had were 1) whether staying at home could be as relaxing as getting away, and 2) whether I would be able to avoid any contact with the working world. I think the answers to both questions would be yes. Had I been staying at a beach resort, far away from labor-intesive aspects of minnie-me, I may have been more relaxed. But the stress of travel would most likely have offset that. Plus my little midget man packs a couple of laughs in there too. As far as my original vacation goals, I must report mixed results. I definitely managed plenty of golf, alcoholism, and some recording. I failed most miserably to avoid pokerstars. Also, I shot no hoops (except for into the kitchen trashcan); I did not pick up a webcam, and I never went to the movies. 33 holes of golf, somewhere near 100 beers, somewhere near 20 hours of poker, an average of about 10 hours of sleep daily.
Later,
Sunday, 3/7 - 01:30 Now I am really going to bed. Pokerstars has stolen another hour or so from La Vacanza, and so it shall be vigorously punished. I happily consumed 15 beers (13 Pilsner Urquell, 2 Miller Lite) today, and I feel just fine. The vacation song is coming along, and there is a movie on HBO called "Wild Side". It has Anne Heche and Christopher Walken in it. Looks like a soft-core-porn's attempt at a stylish thriller. To be fair, however, the volume has been low for the whole movie. Tomorrow's it! La Vacanza will expire, and we will all be returned to the routine, which (if I am not mistaken) is considerably healthier for one's liver. I think I will leave this page up for a bit so that I can finish up the song and make any final vacation-type observations for you, the Cocksocketonian masses. But for now, I have to get some sleep. Peace Out, G! Saturday, 3/6 - 23:30 I am working deliberately and fruitfully on the vacation song, which will be aptly titled "La Vacanza del Capitano Formaldehyde". As I am getting into it, I am reminded just how long and painstaking a process it is producing quality Cocksocket work. As we are pretty much at the end of the vacation, I can tell you that this won't be finished for at least a couple of days, if not a week or longer. However, the basic rhythm parts are essentially done, and you can download it if you like below. I still need to write the lyrics, finish the "solo" section, and add some of those ingenious little production touches that got me here in the first place. La Vacanza del Capitano Formaldehyde (version 030604) Saturday, 3/6 - 17:15 Clean shaven with a natty new haircut, I am looking fine. I started watching Six Feet Under, but I had to stop when I realized just how intently my little midget man was observing the cadaver being restored. He also didn't seem to care for the parts where people were yelling at each other. So I put on Dora The Explorer and cracked open another beer. As far as Dora is concerned, my original thesis (see below) is still intact. Saturday, 3/6 - 12:30 We are moving in for a soft landing on the helipad of a fake, plastic reality. La Vacanza is winding down, and La-Vacanza-Related activities must wind down as well. This means that I must shave my furry beard; I must cut my hair, and my toenails; I must pay a couple of bills and launder a couple of loads of clothes; But somewhere in the back of my head, I take comfort knowing that today is not just any Saturday. Today is a vacanza-tinged Saturday, perhaps not on the order of last Saturday, but certainly a cut above the next. Viva La Vacanza! I was glad to see that Comcast worked out its issues and got Six Feet Under back up on the VOD. I watched episodes 17-39 over the past few months, and episodes 1-9 a couple of weeks ago. Now I can complete the entire series in 7 short hours. Viva La Six Feet Under! Friday, 3/5 - 23:45 The beatz, they is a-comin'... Friday, 3/5 - 21:30 I did what I said I would do. The park was okay. I think swinging and sliding (the kind you find at the park, anyway) are overrated for anybody but children. Then I went to Costco, where I traded in diapers for beer and "The School of Rock" on DVD. Next I came home and watched "The School of Rock", which was pretty funny, and began the drinking of frozen Pilsner Urquell, which is also turning out to be a pretty good experience. There will either be another movie coming up, or else I will work up some phat beatz for the vacation song. A third possibility (and one which causes me to break out in a horrid, wretched sweat) is, of course, pokerstars. Note that La Vacanza is rapidly disappearing... Friday, 3/5 - 15:15 Resisting all temptation to watch "Mom and Dad Save the World" at Noon on HBO, I opted to participate in the family nap, which lasted more than two hours. Dreams about dead people, work, and God knows what else. I wonder what little people dream about? Cartoons and bathtubs full of smooth food? Shadows, boobs, and familiar faces? Teeth emerging through soft gums and the sounds of laughter? Sharp pains and sights akin to bombs dropping through burning skies, stuff nestled in deep from the deeply discomforting moment when they were actually born? Well, I'm going to the park now. Nice day to get out and all. Today's golf experience will be limited to chipping practice on the soccer field. Then, I think we are headed for Costco. Friday, 3/5 - 09:00 I woke up before 8 this morning, but wasn't really jolted into consciousness until a routine diaper change turned horribly, horribly wrong. There was no reason to suspect that anything more than urine was involved, but as I pulled the diaper open I was greeted with a storm of turd pellets. One hit my arm, one fell on my foot and rolled under the changing table. Baby feet mashed baby poop into the changing pad. Stumbling around in a morning stupor, I managed to snuff one poop into the carpet with my big toe. The scene really hit a high when the kid started wriggiling and screaming like a coked-up ferret in a Mexican cornfield. Good morning! Tiger's playing this week in the Dubai Desert Classic, so I will be watching the restrained, delicate coverage of the event by the restrained, delicate commentators of the Golf Channel until about noon. I don't know what will come after that, but I am hoping for something entertaining. Friday, 3/5 - 02:30 Have I complained yet about fuckin' pokerstars.com? Well that place sucks as a way of spending time. Friday, 3/5 - 01:00 Christina Ricci was on Leno tonight, and man was she fucked up. She was all rambling and making no sense at all. I would not have know of this, or seen it, if Mrs. Formaldehyde had not broken the most longstanding rule of the house: Letterman Not Leno. However, in this case I am glad she did. I mean I haven't seen a guest this whacked-out since Norm McDonald in his heyday. Wow! fuckin' pokerstars, right? I played about an hour and a half, and won about 8,000 fake chips. At one point, I had 60,000 but I lost all that in the last 5 hands. Fuck that place. And good night. Thursday, 3/4 - 23:00 I went to the driving range, and I'm pretty sure I was getting checked out by a hottish-looking older mom. Probably not a mom, actually, more like a widely-used, thirty-something party girl. Now I know I'm hot, but there are just some places you refrain from feeling up other people with your eyeballs. The driving range is one of those places. Come to think of it that may be the only place. Oh yeah, also church. Don't ogle anybody in church, no matter how catholic-looking the skirt (what I wear to church is between me and God, yo). Anyway, I am not a piece of meat to be objectified for your pleasure. I returned to a houseful of sleeping family members, so I started watching Igby Goes Down. It's new this week on Showtime On Demand. 10 minutes in, family members started waking up, sequentially from younger to older. So I put the movie on hold. I plan to watch it in the near future, possibly tonight. We went to eat Mexican food. I ordered a vegetarian meal, on account of my meatless Lent experience. The meal included a bean taco. Believe me, I was wary of that. But my hunger compelled me to try it and Lo! It was delicious! I think the bean taco may be superior to the beef taco. 2 margaritas (rocks w/ salt) and we went on to hit Target. The main reason for visiting Target was to replace our recently deceased grind-n-brew machine. Now I love freshly ground and brewed coffee, most especially Peet's coffee. Mrs. Formaldehyde, however, likes weakly-brewed Maxwell House. Somehow I have lost that battle over the past couple of years, and we had not been using the "grind" feature of our "grind-n-brew" coffee pot anyway. We wound up with a cheapish drip maker (for about 15 bucks). We also spent about $70 on a wide variety of balls. The night appears to be winding down after an episode of Survivor, an episode of the Apprentice, and 2 episodes of King of Queens. Of course, I'm wide awake -- thanks to the obscene amount of sleep I got yesterday and in spite of the healthy portions of bourbon that have been gracing my tumblers this evening. I finally got around to listening to the Grey Album. Man this thing is HOT! And "hot" property, so get it while you still can. I can't imagine that the sample police will allow it to hang around for very long... Thursday, 3/4 - 13:30 I think I'm going skip golf today. I've been wanting to make a little music, so maybe I'll work on that today. Maybe just go to the driving range. Hmmm... Thursday, 3/4 - 12:45 I clocked just about 12 hours of sleep last night. If sleeping in how you take advantage of your vacation, then last night I made this vacation my bitch! Saw Red Dragon. It wasn't, you know, a great movie, but it was pretty good. Nearly as good as the original. And far, far mo' better than "Hannibal". If you haven't seen "Hannibal", then don't. All you need to know is that it ends with Ray Liotta eating sauteed strips of his own reddish brain while sitting at a table missing his skull cap. Red Dragon was good enough that I won't tell you anything about it. Wednesday, 3/3 - 22:00 Well the Hoosier basketball team managed to defend their home court for the first time in 5 games. It was close, though. It looked like they might not make it there for a minute. From the high highs of 2 years ago to the low lows of now, this will be the first Hoosier squad in like 20 years to miss the NCAA tournament. The cherry on that sundae? I ordered the ESPN full court package this year. Yes, I spent $120 to see the weakest Indiana team of the past decade, and the crappiest Big Ten conference in modern history. What a chump I am! I have even taken an additional 2 days off of work just to watch the opening round of the tournament (yes, La Vacanza will resume on March 19). Wednesday, 3/3 - 20:30 Now that I am more than halfway through this vacation, I have to start confronting the fact that I am running out of time. Yesterday was a different story -- nothing BUT time left, it seemed. But now I am forced to regret the hours I have wasted with the good people of poker stars. I had quite a golf surprise today. When I arrived and asked to play the short course, I was informed that I could not. The greens on the par-3, it turned out, were being "scraped and aerated". Quite at a loss after my half-hour drive, I asked how much it would cost to play the championship course. The exchange went like this:
Me: I am here to play the short course So I played the big boy course, which was designed by Tom Fazio, and which is just freakin' beautiful. I have played it before several times, one round for $70. Even at that outrageous price, and given the sucky nature of my "game", it was worth it. So for 8 bucks more than the 9-hole par 3, I was shitting in tall cotton (so to speak). I shot an 87. But it should be noted that I only played 15 holes. There was a slow twosome infront of me on 4 teebox, so I skipped on over to 7. In short, it was yet another brilliant vacation moment. The night is still young, and I haven't finalized my agenda as yet. I would consider playing some more GTA III, if it weren't so damn difficult. I need a video game that I can handle when I am trashed. There has arisen a dispute between Matt and Mightyweb about whether Red Dragon is a good movie, or how well it compares to the others in the series. Having purchased Red Dragon a couple of weeks ago, I may be able to settle that dispute tonight. Or maybe I will watch last week's episode of The Office. Or maybe I will just play some more goddam poker. Wednesday, 3/3 - 12:45 Just finished lunch -- a vegan Boca burger, with cheese naturally; cottage cheese; a healthy portion of UTZ potato chips; one glass of milk. Now that's a damn fine way to gear up for another big day playing golf. Mrs. Formaldehyde is currently at the spa, getting a full body massage from a person whom I like to imagine is a perky-breasted librarian type wearing some kind of French maid outfit. Today will mark the end of her dayspa triumvirate: facial on Monday, pedicure on Tuesday, massage on Wednesday. Hey! La Vacanza is good for everybody. Trapped in the living room all morning with my little midget man, I decided to watch The Quiet American to pass the time. Now THAT is a good movie. Apart from Michael Caine's Oscar nod, I didn't hear much about it. But it is sensational. A real story, a good script, amazing acting. By the way, how does Brendan Fraser go about selecting roles? It is just amazing that the same guy who delivered George of the Jungle and Dudley Do-Right (and Monkeybone for chrissakes) can consistently turn in these amazing dramatic performances. Some highlights and lowlights of Mr. Brendan Fraser's role selection:
Wednesday, 3/3 - 01:00 Here's the "fuckin' pokerstars.com" update. I played for 1 hour and 15 minutes. There were 50 hands, of which I saw 29 flops. I took 6 pots for a total of about 10,000 chips. Now I must sleep, for I will hear the screams of hard teeth growing through soft, infant gums in a matter of mere hours. I am about to go to sleep and "Escape From L.A." is showing. What is up with this movie? I remember "Escape from N.Y." many, many, many years ago. That one was like a cool, sci-fi novelty. This thing just looks like a low-rent Van Damme film, or some sort of soft-core military bullshit. I mean, seriously, this shit is just HORRIBLE! "Snake...Call me snake..." "War is about to be declared, Pliskin, or didn't you know? Oh, that's right, you just don't give a shit, do you?" Tuesday, 3/2 - 22:30 It is time now for me to review the CD collection that I currently have in the car. As I was cleaning out the car this evening, I noticed quite a few CDs tucked into different nooks and crannies, including (but not limited to) the glove compartment, the center console, under the passenger seat, and in the CD player. Some CDs have spent a lot of time in the CD player, others have not. It looks like pretty much all of them have been purchased within the past 6-9 months.
And so, without further ado, I present:
50 Cent - Get Rich Or Die Tryin' Aphex Twin - 26 Mixes For Cash Massive Attack - 100th Window Spiritualized - Amazing Grace
Thursday - War All The Time
Sigur Ros - ()
Porcupine Tree - In Absentia
Tuesday, 3/2 - 17:45 Phone Booth, as I mentioned before, doesn't suck. But what does suck a little bit is rain. When I left my house this afternoon to go to the golf course, the sun was out and the temperature was a very comfortable 70 degrees. When I arrived at the clubhouse, it was raining and a VERY brisk and windy 65 degrees. I proceeded to play, and not too well, in the irritating drizzle. You know, almost unnoticeable rain that somehow soaks through your skin. I got cold quick and, even though I took a cart today, there was still a lot of walking. I was on my short game, but really questionable off the tee, which resulted in a 42 (4,6,6,4,4,4,4,4,4,6). I think they will be rebroadcasting my round tonight on Sports Center (in case you missed their live feed). I should mention that I am NOT complaining about the golf conditions, as they were far superior to the conditions found daily at the office. Anyway, after that I came home, finished watching Phone Booth, and took a nap while listening to a documentary about 2PAC on MTV2. And now I am here, with my friend Sierra Nevada, getting ready to wash my baby's ass (and I may give the kid a bath too! Ha!) Tuesday, 3/2 - 10:15 Anybody else just can't get enough Grape Nuts? Man I sure do love 'em. The trick is: add a little sugar and let them soak up milk for a few minutes before you begin. Tuesday, 3/2 - 00:50 I just succeeded in kicking my wife off the computer. She's going to get some sleep, so that when the little man wakes up in the middle of the night, she will be "at the ready" to comfort. That's good, on account of how she is more comforting than me. By a lot. Last night was pretty brutal. I know that I had 16 hours, but I am still astounded that I was able to drink 22 beers in that time. The last time I drank that many, I was in Las Vegas (On Miller's dime) and I may have urinated on the hotel carpet (you've got no proof, though, do you?). The time before, I vomited by the trash cans next to the house. But last night, no fluids were expelled; I just won a bunch of chips at fuckin' pokerstars.com What else? A couple of days ago, I watched the first episode of "The L Word", on Showtime. "The L Word" is a new show about lesbians -- I guess it's like a girly "Queer as Folk". Anyway the difference between this show and the reality of the lesbian lies in the hotness of the chicks. In "The L Word", all the chicks are smoking hot. Not a nasty butch in the bunch. However, if you are thinking about watching, don't do it. The show really, really, really sucks. You may see hot chicks gettin' it on, but it's just such a boring waste of time that you wouldn't even enjoy that. The problem is how the writers of the show don't seem to have any sense at all of how people talk or act. I hate that kind of bullshit. Just write a goddam show, for fuck's sake! What else? Anybody seen that movie Phone Booth? When I went to see Old School last year, I believe I saw an ad for Phone Booth. "How can you make a movie out of that?" I asked myself. Well, I think I now have the answer: First, make it a very short movie -- well under 90 minutes. Second, make it pretty good (you know, have a sense of how people talk and act). What I am saying is that it's a pretty good movie, all things considered. Plus Colin Farrell is totally dreamy. Go ahead and watch that. In sum, today seems like Saturday. I slept in. I played golf. I ate good. I won some poker dough. And now, I think I will go to sleep. But not before I hit pokerstars.com up for some more fake-ass monday. Monday, 3/1 - 16:30 Ahhh! I got up again about 1:30, with hardly any headaches. I rubbed my eyes, changed clothes, and went to the par-3 course. I shot 39, but the last stroke was a 16-foot downhill breaking putt for birdie. I am really quite gifted. Everybody here is asleep, and I am considering taking a second nap so that I will be firing on all cylinders tonight at the real poker game. I don't really remember winning all those chips last night, but I hope whatever I was doing allows me to take suckaz money tonight! I think I the Noggin show Oswald just jumped up a couple of points in the ratings. Oswald was just singing a song about "Big Banana Day", and he keeps going up to people and saying "It's big banana day. Do you want a piece?" Absolutely brilliant! Monday, 3/1 - 09:45 At about 3:30 this morning I went to sleep, making a nightcap out of beer #22 and slipping into sweet dreams on the wings of 85,000 fake poker chips. It really was delightful -- until about 7:00 this morning when I awoke with 2 headaches, one on the inside and one on the outside. They're both still here. Damn I gotta get some more sleep. Sunday, 2/29 - 22:45 Almost 11:00, and the show goes on. Spent some quality time with fuckin' pokerstars.com, and here is the report: an hour's worth of play, starting from scratch, yielded 26 hands, of which I saw 24 flops and won 9 pots, for a total of 7,500 chips. What a goddam waste of time! Just polishing off beer #14 now, I still feel pretty sober. Miller light has a way of not doing that to you. The rest of my evening will consist of 1) finishing the Oscars and 2) Grand Theft Auto III. In the morning, the wife is going to get herself primped and beautiful at around 09:00. Once she returns I swear to god I am going to play golf. Sunday, 2/29 - 21:15 GAWD! This awards ceremony is friggin' boring! Why is there so much political commentary? Why so many commercials? Why so much boring crap coming out of Billy Crystal's fuzzy head? I swear this is gonna drive me to Poker Stars... Sunday, 2/29 - 19:45 Big night tonight, eh? The Oscars are just about to kick off. I've been watching the E! "pre-game", "red-carpet" show for awhile now, and it occurred to me that I haven't properly handicapped the awards ceremony yet. I am sure that you are interested in my opinions 1) because I am a media magnate of sort and 2) in spite of the fact that I haven't been to the cinema since Old School a year ago. No matter! As a persistent follower of pop-culture phenomena my guesses are guaranteed to satisfy. My picks for the academy awards, 2004
Best Director
Best Supporting Actor and Actress
Best Actress
Best Actor
Best Picture Sunday, 2/29 - 13:30 Not much to report. I just ate a grilled cheese sandwich and a bowl of tomato soup. It was delicious. Golf began at 10:00, beer drinking started before noon. I'm guessing a nap is about to come into play -- for both me and minnie me. Today is a leap day, which (as I understand it) doesn't happen every year. Yes, they tell me that the day comes only once every 4 years. Interestingly (or not -- I will let you judge), once every century -- in years that end in "00" -- the leap day is skipped. When I first learned this at the end of 1999, I was very excited at the prospect of skipping a leap day in 2000. I jumped around gleefully chanting until I learned the following exception to the exception -- On century marks divisible by 400, leap day is on. What does all this mean? I don't know, and I forget why I started thinking about it. Something about my great grandchildren doing something. I don't have any great grandchildren. Not that I know of anyway. No jimmy hat is "seed-proof", right? Right? Sunday, 2/29 - 07:30 Here it is, the crack of dawn! Noggin has taken control of my television. On this especially early morning, I have already enjoyed a full episode of Miffy and Friends! Miffy is yet another reason why my child should choose to sleep in. That Miffy will rot your brains! "Miffy! Cute little bunny... / Miffy! Smart little bunny" Cute and smart my ass. Miffy is really, really irritating. I think it is produced by a heard of jackasses. This show fills my soul with the urge to act out my latent violent tendencies. Now, in my time I have had the opportunity to watch a lot of this Noggin television, the main virtue of which is the low incidence of commercials. Hey! If I'm gonna have the TV babysit my kid, I'm gonna do it responsibly. Actually, I am not sure how Noggin stays afloat. Their TV sponsorship includes 1 30-second ad for a cereal called "Mud & Bugs" (yummm.), and 1 30 second ad for McDonalds. I think these ads show once every 3 hours. You might think they would try to sell more show-related merchandise (stuffed animals, bandanas, t-shirts, wallets, etc.) but, as you can see from the website, they are not particularly mobilized to do so. I think their new strategy is cutting down on production costs -- just check out their "puppet" show Oobi. Boy I'll tell you, though, that Oobi is one good show, even if they forgot to make the costumes. Oobi has proven time and again to be the best antidote for Miffy.
Without further ado, I present:
The Channel
The Host
The Shows
Play with me, Sesame
Oswald Blue's Clues
Miffy and Friends
Saturday, 2/28 - 23:15 I failed to hit the hay. I mean, I hit it, but only until the phone rang and the baby awoke. What could I do? I comforted that little man-child; he fell asleep; I took the shrinkwrap off of GTA III and began my missions. Made it through about 5 missions and 4 beers before I decided once again to hit the hay! That's where I am at now. Also, I had a little bit of fun checking up on cocksocket.org via archive.org. Experience the thrills here. Saturday, 2/28 - 21:30 Prudently resisting the temptation to fritter away my time with the good people of Poker Stars, I believe I will retire early. Will I be watching a movie? Knocking boots? On my left side drooling on the sheets? Sorry, folks, that's priviledged informazione! Saturday, 2/28 - 20:30 Well, the jungle gym was no friggin' joke! Engineered by some (evidently perverse) French Canadians, we didn't finish construction until after 5:00. Afterwards I enjoyed a "yummy" Ardbeg and a tasty Laphroiag. There was a spare bottle of 10-year-old Ardbeg that I arranged to bring back here. That was smart of me. Looks like the Accenture WGC will provide some fireworks tomorrow. Tiger and DLIII head-to-head in 36 holes of match play? Yeah, I don't think you are likely to see any better golf than that before the Masters. I will camp out in front of the tube for as long as I can stand it tomorrow. I gave up meat for lent, the downside of which is just beginning to hit me: I can't eat no Pepperoni Pizza Rolls. Saturday, 2/28 - 11:00 pokerstars.com was interrupted by a hungry, alert child, who woke up before 1:00 and was more or less active until 3:30. That and the excessive beer intake made for a bit of a restless night. Don't cry for me just yet, though, I got a little extra nap this morning. Looks like golf is out for today. I was propositioned last night to help build some kind of backyard jungle gym in exchange for some delicious and uncommon whiskies. How could I refuse? Although, according to the misses, I may have gotten in over my head. I was lead to believe last night that this jungle gym project was to be a simple and quick affair. Mrs. F's intelligence suggests that I may be in for some actual manual labor. I hope not. Saturday, 2/28 - 00:50 fuckin' pokerstars.com update: 14 hands; I saw 3 flops, splitting one of them in a showdown with a chucklehead; Before that, I got cornholed by a full boat, after I made my straight on the river. Who's idea was this anyhow? Fuck pokerstars.com! Friday, 2/27 - 23:30 Had a little scare there, when the cable box went down. I couldn't get a picture on any channel, VOD, or even crap we had recorded onto the hard drive. Things got at least as dire as the tone in my voice with my cable operator. They told me they would send somebody out Monday (between 8:00 A.M. and 8:00 P.M. -- the fuckers). I figured the early portion of "la vacanza" was busted and in a last ditch attempt, I unplugged the gol-dang box from the wall. When I re-plugged-it-in, everything was "hunky dory". Close call y'all!
Friday, 2/27 - 20:30 Okay, here's the situation. I have acquired a modest vacation period, which I expect to spend immediately, doing nothing in particular. This promises a couple of innovative notions. First, I have never taken vacation time without traveling somewhere, visiting somebody, etc. This time, none of that. I got 9 days of jackshit here at the house! Beginning tomorrow. Second, no matter what the situation, I have, on previous vacations, always taken time out to check on voice mail and email. This time, "no can do". I am imposing a no-work-related-stress-factor zone on my time-away-from-work zone. Third, I am planning to document my (pro)gress here on the website. Fourth, I will try to the best of my abilities to shy away from the dastardly pokerstars.com. Fuck that place, in a way, because it sucks out so much of my precious energies! I began the festivities promptly at 4:30, leaving work surreptitiously to visit my local Circuit-City-brand electronics store. Therein I purchased 1 copy of Grand Theft Auto super game bundle for the XBOX, 1 copy of the film "matchstick men", 1 copy of Sex And The City--Season 5. The first 2 I plan to enjoy during my vacation. The third is for my lovely wife. The store was all sold out of season 1 of The Chappelle Show, which irritated me a bit -- no way to begin your vacation. However, as I left the store the alarm did NOT sound, so that was a plus. Chief plans for the coming week include 1) golf. lots of golf; 2) some new cocksocket recording(s); 3) on rainy days when golf is not possible, shooting the rock for pleasure at the "Y"; 4) drinking beer and/or whisky in the daytime, perhaps with eggs; 5) acquisition of a webcam for the pleasure of KK, whose recent video must be posted forthwith (but that's another story); 6) at least one solo trip to the cinema; If I think of anything else along these lines, I will be sure to let you know. |
The Darkness - Permission To Land
Fountains Of Wayne - Welcome Interstate Managers
Damien Rice - O
Tori Amos - Little Earthquakes
Cypress Hill - Stoned Raiders
Oobi
Tiny Planets
Maisy
Connie the Cow
Gullah Gullah Island
Dora the Explorer
Little Bear & Franklin
Bob the Builder
Tweenies